everytime i go on the Internet, and sign onto my little blog that i use as a refuge to my well being, i just spend a good ten minutes staring at that quote i put at the beginning of my blog. and i just sit and stare. everything is true except for the part where it says " I say find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back." because i am in quite confidence that i am not loved. and i just sit and stare at the truth, and how much i am lying to myself. i try to pretend that i don't love him just for the sake to keep him as a friend. i care about him that much to the point where when its him and me, i don't quite care what happens to me.
i wonder if he knows, if he feels it. i wonder if he sits there, in his little tiny organized bedroom and feels that someone is constantly loving him. that someone would kindly step in front of a bullet, no a milllion bullets for him if they could survive that long. someone who cares more then anyone in the world. someone that never spoke one bad word behind his back.
they say that at the time your thinking about that person, that same equal thought is them thinking about you. i laughed at that saying. because i know its not true. he has much better things to do, then to waste his time.
yet, there are times when he looks at me, and we just stare at each other, and i just want to cry, because i feel it in his eyes that he misses me too. but that's just sometimes. i know he knows that i would've been perfect. everytime i look in his eyes, i hope he can see in my eyes, the eyes less prettier than his, that i miss him more then he can imagine. that when i'm having a terrible day that i just want to hold someone that i love, and never let go. i hope he sees striaght through to my heart, and see how much he breaks and heals my heart over and over again. i hope he sees in my eyes that i think he is perfect.
i wrote this for him when i was in the deepest furrows of my anger, and it still holds true.
i'll post it in the next blog
