torn

i hate how you are so far from me.

freak of nature

and it just seems so surreal if it is thought back on now.
I`ve seen countless of rainbows before in my life, but it always seem to fade off in the distance.
But this shone in the sky for several beautiful minutes smiling down on us.
and it just seems so coincidental how it shone on the day, the exact same moment when we visited the Temple where my Grandfather spent most of his days, using his artistic thoughts to paint beautiful pictures, recite deep poetry, or simply write to his hearts content.

That rainbow had no end, or no beginning, but i knew where my pot of gold was.

live

the secret depth and meaning of things worth while
all there is to know is that there is no one on earth that wishes to be alone
because lonely is so lonely alone.
don`t be afraid to take chances
and leap over the crystal blue ocean and land gently on that soft musk silver lining.
the lining of a beautiful thing called hope.
untangle your confusion by letting the wind fly pass you and hopefully you are caught in it.

live.

the reasons why everyone hates you.

No matter where I go in life, or what I do in it, why is it that you are ALWAYS still in it? I hate you. I hate every little thing about you; down to the last single fibre of your DNA. You always find a way to snuggle up beside me and try to tell everyone lies so they will hate me. Well, earth to miss bitch; you are ruining everyone else’s. I hate, HATE sitting on the side lines watching you try and tear apart someone’s perfect relationship just because you can’t have what you want. Well LIFE’S NOT FAIR IS IT?! No it’s not, you can’t always get what you want, and frankly you obviously, DEFINITELY don’t deserve it! I don’t know what you have in your mind; maybe you were born with it, or something over time, but you have something in your head, that if you treat someone badly, they’re going to want you more. Sorry sweetie, but that’s not playing hard to get, that’s being a bitch; sorry that you’re the last to know but it’s true. I remember years back I told you to flirt but PRETEND to hate them, and poke fun at them a little just to get them to chase you. NO WHERE did I tell you to push them always, tell them that you ruined your life, and then tell them you walked all over them. I wish I could show the world who you really are; a stone cold, self-centered BITCH who doesn’t give a SHIT about any other person’s feelings besides your own. So go ahead, go prancing around town implanting little lies in everyone’s head about what I potentionally did to you. Because whatever you said I did, no matter how bad it is; I don’t regret it AT ALL. Because at the end of the day if they are ever going to meet me; if I even want to associate myself with your vermin, they’re going to compare your story back to the REAL me and think back the the person you are. it’s funny, it’s been 4 years, and you still can’t let go at the fact that I’m the person you are scared of the most because I know all of your secrets, all of your weaknesses, and I know the real you to the point where you have no choice but to hate me. What a silly reason to hate me isn’t it darling? We used to be BEST friends don’t you remember? What happened? Oh right I remember. you used me, shot me down, told me that I was useless good for nothing whore that bullied you, walked all over you. Hmm let’s think about every single LIE that came out of your mouth. Let me get the fucking story straight for you, who was the one that was going through the hardest part of her life, and was so close to the edge she thought she was going to literally tumble over the edge? Me. who was it that found some real friends and started to recollect herself little by little? Me. who was jealous, and was scared about losing the only person who would stand by your side? You. Who LIED to everyone saying that you were WORSE than me, and said that if your life wasn’t better by the time you were 16, you were going to kill yourself when really, you are terrified of death. When really the whole concept of suicide was a big fat joke to you. YOU. Who wanted all the attention, and got it by scaring everyone? YOU. Who was concerned about you and told the counsellor that you wanted to kill yourself, but it was a lie so you were so scared you told them that it I was the one who said it and got me in trouble with everything you were suppose to go through. YOU. who after that incident acted as nothing happened and acted like my best friend? YOU. who two days AFTER that told me that i walk all over you? YOU. Whose parents thought they were good for nothing, and failures. MINE. Whose parents sobbed when they thought I hated them? MINE. Who went through months, and years of counselling, coming out more insane to begin with? ME. So if anyone should have a reason to hate you, who should it be? me. And I do, but I feel sorry for you more. I feel sorry for the person you become, or the person you always were. Because you are going to get NOWHERE in life. So go sulk by yourself. Stop trying to pull everyone down with you. Get completely out of my life because my life is SO MUCH BETTER, and so much HAPPIER without you in it in any way shape or form. And most definitely stop fucking messing up my best friends relationship because unlike you; she’s happy with what she has.

walls

I have always wondered why every single person I fall deeply for, I always say the same thing; “I have never felt this way before.” And it feels like every time I say it, I feel like I'm repeating myself, like I’m lying to myself. But I was watching this movie tonight, when the female character says "You can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful specific details," and it just hit me; because it was true. No one can ever be replaced because everyone is different. I really did never feel the way I did with anyone I fell for that I did with that person. It was just the matter of HOW much I felt with them. I know I haven't been completely in love with every single person I fell for. But there were one or two where I did feel a little bit more. But I’ve been hurt to the point where now I EXPECT it to happen, so I’m always bracing myself, and keeping my heart locked up inside of me. I never truly loved anybody fully because of it. I have always had a foot of the ground balancing myself to keep from falling. And I always know what I’m getting into before I get into it so I don’t lose myself. I build walls and poke my head out once in a while to either get my heart stolen, or broken. I don’t know what it’s like to fall completely in love. The encounters where I thought I have, never really mutual; he never did feel the way I felt for him, so yes I did love him, but it wasn’t love. I don’t know what it’s like to be crazy in love; to take risks for love; to do utterly ridiculous stupid things with someone, and laugh about it; to argue over something so small, you forget about what you are arguing about. I don’t even know what it’s like to stand in one spot, lay in one spot, sit in one spot, and just get held, or hold someone like there was no tomorrow and there was never a yesterday. I find that love is a complicated, confusing subject, but it is also the most beautiful concept and I believe in it with everything that I have. But I am ing terrified of it. I’ve been screwed over so many times to the point where I don’t think I have one romantic bone in my body. Yes I can write about love, the heart that swells with happiness when one encounters it. Yes, I can watch movies and ache over the loss of the other persons love; but shove me in front of real- experience love, and I close up like a clam. Because I know what to expect; they’re going to “woo” me in any way they can, and if they know that I’m feeling something just the slightest bit, they’re going to fuck me over. Because they don’t like obstacles, they don’t like complications. It’s like their own personal game to make them feel all high and mighty. I have been losing my romantic side with every second, that I think to myself by the time I turn 20, I’m going to turn into some cold heartless depressed bitch that can never love because she is afraid to let anyone close to her. so no, I never been in love before; no I don’t know what it’s like to be loved; no I have never let anyone close enough to my walls to even try to win me over. But then I met you, and I think to myself, don’t feel because he’s just going come and go just like the last guy. But you’re not leaving. You are forcing yourself past my obstacles, your edging closer to the walls I took 6 years to build, and I don’t know what to do. And to be frank and completely honest; I’m terrified.

dear "best" friend

what is the true meaning of friends? because i would really like to know.
i thought i have surpassed this kind of question, just like i thought i found true real friends. but the moment their life kicks in, they forget about everyone else. its like i'm the last resort to a good time, or i'm the last person that you call, AFTER when everyone else cancels. and i am throughly sick of it. you have always been first in my books, i have always been there for you first, and been there till the end, and i get treated like this? not even a single "hello how's your day?" or "how was your trip?" no its always ME having to initiate the conversation with YOU. and everytime i do its always like "hey how are you?" "good" or "hey i miss you how's your summer?" "it's fun" okay fine, if you don't want to be my friend then just tell me, because i'm sick of sitting here waiting around for you. first you expect something for my birthday, then you totally forget about mine. then you are all nice to me so i will do something for you and when i don't you totally turn into a (mind my lanuage) bitch! you talk behind my back, and keep things from me but expect me to tell you everything. what kind of friend are you? where is my best friend? remember how close we were, what happened? i know, your head inflated, and you just think you are SO good all the time. you are never supporting me, or helping me, or listening to you unless you have something to make fun of me with. you prance around the room like your all that, and frankly i am the only one who can stand you. i can't believe you actually got MAD at me because i couldn't go to hang out with you because i was in the middle of my studies. and had the guts to say "it's not all about school, you have to live" well miss "it's-all-about-me" in order to life, i have to have an education. have you ever heard of the saying work now play later. well i'll do that and you play now and work later and see who gets farther. you are never happy for me. like honestly NEVER. i tell you that i'm going on a huge trip and your comment is "oh, that's cool, it's about time" EXCUSE me if i am not a spoiled brat like you are! i'm sorry i have to work for what i deserve, not get everything handed to me on a solid gold platter encrusted with diamonds. well it was big to me, and you have to go and ruin my bubble. so "best" friend if your done being like this call me up because i'm sick and tired of hanging around. i'm done.

Summer '09

i want to feel the wind in my hair as i'm zooming down the long bumpy uneven path.
i want to know that there is always something to do, something to eat at what ever time it is.
i want to be scared to cross the roads
i want to walk down the roads in the morning and see trees and landscape
i want to walk down the roads at night and be blinded by the colourful lights
i want to take retarded pictures with amazing retarded backgrounds
i want to be able to breathe in the fresh salt water air
and i want to be able to swim in it.
i want pick every pretty shell i see
and get knocked over by the overpowering waves
i want to have dirt fights
i want to lose my legs in mud.
i want to stay up late talking about love life, and everything in between
i want to eat ice cream anytime i want
i want to take risks and not be afraid of the consequences
i want to look for love, find it, and treasure it.
i want back to Vietnam.

brother for sale

anyone want a brother? because i will give you one for a small price of FREE.
i love my brother, but these days hes driving me so up the wall that i honestly want to strangle him with my bare hands. i can't deal with him anymore. hes not the typical brother. hes annoying as hell, he's immature, and he's a rat.

so anyone want him?

living.

i closed my eyes, and shut my thoughts. those eyes that see the cruelty of the world, that haunt my thoughts. the thoughts that think pessimistically, and give endless nights of nightmares. i shut them away, and i try to feel my body, i try to breathe, but like always i feel nothing. i try, i use all the little hope i have left, and try. i try to let my heart guide for once. guide without thinking, without any guides, any judgements; just guide. i try to dissolve all the fear of getting torn, of getting shattered because i am still not fully repaired; but i was willing to take that risk. and suddenly i am falling. i don't know if this is the right feeling, but all i know is that i am falling. down, down and deeper down. i am falling head first. then it hits me so unexpectedly in the chest, that i swore i was going to explode and shatter right then and there. my face hurts, my eyes hurt, everything hurts. everything is numb.

then out of nothingness.

i can feel. the tingling feelings are coming back bit by bit. first the toes, then the knees, the hips, the fingertips, my lips, my eyes. i can feel my hair against my cool skin. and finally the tingling feeling returns to my chest. i can breathe. a weird feeling, but it feels so easy to do. inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. every single breathe taken is a different taste. sweet, bitter, bittersweet. the feeling of my eyes, peel back the filter hiding the world from my eyes; the real world. the world with surreal colours, magical blends. the world where everywhere you look there is sadness, but there is also happiness. where there are nightmares, there are sweet dreams. where there is crying, there is always laughter. where there is war. there is peace. where there is , in some small shape or form, there is always love. and with love it comes hope. and i can finally see that. i am learning slowly with the new advantages that are given to me, i am learning to smile.

and i know in my heart that if this is the way you make me feel, then i want to keep you forever.
because for the first time in a long time, i am living.

"you're not pushing me to wait for you. Let's me promise you something. From today until 5 years from now, I will work my hardest, and you shall work on your schooling. And when you come back to me, and we still love each other, do you agree on being my girlfriend?"

you are definately someone I want to keep <3

I've never gone with the wind
Just let it flow
Let it take me where it wants to go
Til' you opened the door
And there's so much more
I'd never seen it before
I was tryin' to fly but I couldn't find wings
But you came along and changed everything

You lift my feet off the ground
You spin me around
You make me crazier crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I
I'm lost in your eyes
You make me Crazier Crazier Crazier

I watched from a distance as you
Made life your own
Every sky was your own kind of blue
And I wanted to know how that would feel
And you made it so real
You showed me something that I couldn't see
You opened my eyes and you made me believe

You lift my my feet off the ground
You spin me around
You make me crazier crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I
I'm lost in your eyes
You make me crazier crazier crazier

Ohhhh

Baby you showed me what livin' is for
I don't wanna hide anymore
Oh Ohh

You lift my feet off the ground
You spin me around
You make me crazier crazier
Feels like I'm fallin and I
I'm lost in your eyes
You make me crazier crazier crazier
Crazier Crazier