I feel as though something is gone. 
and I know what it is.
it's something that I never had.

happy highs, and dirty lows

I don't know what it is about me. the most I could do is just sit there and smile while my head wander on its own to wherever it pleases. I throw in a laugh here and there to show my attention that I am really listening to the conversation, but have no input because the whole conversation is filled with inside jokes, and snide remarks. I make eye contact once every 30 secs to let them know that I'm not a deadbeat, while I let my mind soar in odd angles and circular deloopdeloops protecting itself from the harsh world. I'm happy. really, I am. But if thats the case, why can't I convince myself. It's like trying to convince yourself that the water is fine, so just dive in. But you hesitate at the edge, and test the water several times before you nosedive into the shrilling cold water that freezes every single cell in your body. Well I'm at the part in life. I'm at the part where I'm standing at the edge testing the water. Like a normal person would do would be test the water and then nosedive in. But that's a normal person. It feels like every single time I and convinced that  I will get use to the water and it will warm up eventually, it gets 3 degrees colder each time. So here I am standing at the edge looking down at the depthless black liquid, not knowing if I should just dive in. This is not my lake that I'm use to. There is no one here to protect me but myself, and I'm not sure if I am up for that responsibility yet. But everyone know that the trouble with hesitation is the fact that you might not get a second chance. I know I should just jump in not caring if I did the perfect flawless dive, but it seems that my feet have been so use to standing at the edge that I have rooted myself to the spot.

another night

I feel so empty.
like something is missing from inside of me, and no matter how hard I try to think about what that is that I'm missing, it will just burrow itself deeper, so it can't be found. I don't know what it is, and its burning me inside with curiosity. I try to get a grip of myself and pull myself together, but somethings just can't be pulled together; like things you don't know. How am I suppose to know what to pull together, what to get a grip of, if I don't know what it is to start with. I feel empty, and useless, and not worthwhile. I am a sad excuse for a human being I'll tell you. I bury myself into the fantasies of tv shows, and movies, and books, knowing that I am just going to drown myself in depression. But I do it anyways. I do it because I'd rather live someone else live except for mine. People say that movies and fairytales STAY in movies and fairytales. But there wrong. Look around you folks, you have at least one thing that resembles a movie or a fairytale. But you don't notice it because you are too busy living it. I think I'm the storyteller. I think that I'm the one that nothing happens to, but it happens to the people around them. so it's my job to tell the story. But who do I tell it too? I have nothing to tell, I have no one to tell it too. Like I said, my show is going to get cancelled, it has no thrill and has not 'oomph' nothing. nata. I guess this is what happens when you have big dreams. You have to put your life on halt for a few years and focus on your 'future'. But I never knew that going after your dream is suppose to feel this lonely, and empty.

Well ladies and gentlemen, I am you're prime time exhibit A for a person who can safely say,
My Life Is Average.

Is it sad that the only people I've said goodnight to is you?
and you can't even say it back.

lonely is so lonely alone

before my life would`ve beat Gossip Girl any day in the ratings.

but at this rate. my show is going to get cancelled.

yes, If you're wondering, I am Surprised

I thought I was your best friend. I thought that after everything I said about you, that we would be closer? I don't know what happened? I thought that this whole friendship thing could work out for you and I even if you were all the way across the world, but I guess not. I guess you think, that after everything that happens and I guess that you think that even though you can go on and ignore me for the whole year unless I message you, that everything is going to be fine when you come back, and I'll still be here waiting in the sidelines, like the pushover you left me to be. Well guess what. I don't think so. This friendship is not a one way street, It is a two way one, and if you are not willing to do the effort, then I'm not going to push. I'm not going to force my car down through on coming traffic, while I have a red light. I'm not going to go through that do not enter sign, because I know I'm just going to get disappointed, and have to pull a U - Turn. I thought that we were friends, hell; I thought we were best friends. well this news flash was a slap in the face.

slipping away.

i don't believe in the concept of love anymore. It's slipping away like soap from my very fingertips, and I'm trying so hard to hang on it with a firm grasp; but it's not working. I don't understand it anymore. I thought I knew it, thought I had it down pat, but now, it's like its the first time I've heard of it. I don't know what it is, how it feels, what it does to your heart, everything. I have forgotten everything, and frankly I hate being in the dark. I hate not knowing. As a natural human being, we don\t like going into things without knowing at least something about it, and that's me. I am so in the dark, that I am afraid to step a foot anywhere near the area of love. SOS. I knew I was going to lose it, but really this soon? maybe I;m delusional. Maybe I've turned psychotic.