a little scene of a boy and a girl

so i was bored, and wrote a little scene. it's longer but i don't want anyone to steal it haha.

Veronica: what if i told you i hated you?
Jason: then i'll kiss you and tell you i love you.
Veronica: you wouldn't
Jason: try me
Veronica: Jason Gordon Mitchell, i hate you
Jason (kisses her): I love you
Veronica is lost for words
Silence
Veronica: I lied.
Jason: I didn't

ugh...

i don't think i'll be able to wake up at 7 o'clock in the morning on a saturaday to wash cars. my arms feel like jelly

seven reasons why i am a stupid dumbass

1) i let you slip through my hands and i let you forget about me and fall for a who lives 1887.8 km away

2)how you were making me so happy and how you can easily take it all away. how you have that power and how i gave you that power

3)how you couldn't admit that you liked me.

4)for letting you know me the most

5)for caring more for you then anyone should care for one person.

6)for not seeing this coming

7)for thinking that it couldn't get any worse

all for love

Slipping through the hole where the moon don't shine
Spent too long trying to make you mine
Kept on running but I fell behind
Butterfly better fly away this time

Lost my place in the line again
Put it back on the shelf and let the dust settle in
I always thought we'd that be more than friends
I always thought that we were different

Ohhhhoohh
Ohhhhoohh

I'm all for love
But I can't see the light
Tell me how to do it
Tell me how I'm gonna get it right
I'm all for love
I'm gonna try it again
I don't wanna give up
Cause I'm all for love

Nobody knows where the hell I've been
Gonna make a fool of myself again
Keep on getting stuck up in the same old scene
Baby why'd you have to go and be so mean

Ohhhhoohh
Ohhhhoohh

I'm all for love
But I can't see the light
Tell me how to do it
Tell me how I'm gonna get it right
I'm all for love
And I'm trying again
I don't wanna give up
Cause I'm all for love

I don't believe in praying on your knees
Just let me leave I'm over the fantasy

I'm all for love
But I can't see the light
Tell me how to do it
Tell me how I'm gonna get it right
I'm all for love
And I'm trying again
I don't wanna give up
I don't wanna give in
But I can't see the light
Tell me how to do it
Tell me how I'm gonna get it right
I'm all for love
And I'm trying again
I don't wanna give up
Cause I'm all for love

another boring day.

happy "victoria day" everyone. even though her birthday is on the 24th.
i am very bored. it's the same old day. the days where i have to keep myself busy so i won't think. so far it's not working.

a picture is worth a thousand words.

Something's wrong

so i got into university.. but it's not what i wanted. i don't want to be far away. it's too far away for me. I'll get heartsick. i don't think i can live one hour away. i can't because i know for a fact that i'm scared. I'm scared to lose him to some beautiful , some amazing that he's going to fall in love with. i'm scared that he won't want to know my anymore.

i'm so afraid

ignorance

And all hope is gone. Vanished into thin air, but I’m not sure how to feel. I don’t feel happy or sad or angry. I think this is an emotion of acceptance. That “waking up and smell the coffee”. Oh I smelt the coffee alright. It’s sweet, yet bitter; it’s bittersweet. All those memories are finally locked in the back of my heart. They refuse to come out, because for so long they have been trying to tell me, what’s in the past cannot be brought to the present. But yet I tried. Every single waking moment, every single beat of a heart, an inhaled and exhaled breath, a blink of an eye, I tried. But my effort was obviously not good enough. But I tried my best, what more can I ask for? I was naive and I am ignorant. I cared too much, and I still do and that is my biggest weakness. I don’t know how to react to things like this. I was never put in this situation nor did I plan on it. But now I know, so I am not that ignorant anymore. You learn something new everyday, and I learned this: That I should live every moment the way it is and if you have that slight nerve to do something; do it. Because it’s not worth it living off of what could have been or what should have been. See? I’m learning each and every day. I’ve been writing a lot lately. Little stupid things like this one. Stringing together words that no one would probably read, but I do it anyways. I’m in a great mood thank you very much for asking. I’m ecstatic. I learned from the weeks i trek walking behind you, hoping you would turn around and even look at me is a person in a state of hope; a person who is borderline insane. I learned that the ignorance I carried on my shoulders, is now hanging from my arms. I’m still attached. I can’t help it. Out of all the experienced I witnessed and witnessed myself, I learned that you can’t choose. It just happens, out of thin air, you are hooked, and you can’t say when you are finally released. Would it be stupid to say that I love you? Yes, yes it would, another naive feeling. It’s funny, when I first started writing this, I was writing my way out, grabbing you away from my heart and throwing you out. But now that I finished, I’m right where i began; running around in hopeless circles.

i feel it again

I'm floating on my own personal cloud at the moment. happiness, my own high. did i ever tell you how much i love you. and how much i love your company? and how much electricity runs through my body when ever we touch? it's like getting hit with a defibrillator over and over and over again. instead, you stop my heart.

but yet my love, i don't get what you are trying to tell me? the mixed signals i get from you are too much for this soul to handle. this broken soul has got too much.
you could've picked any piece of music to let me listen to, but you go and play something, and as a i wait for the music to begin to play the words

"Sunshine,I'd really like to tell you, oh my sunshine"

i think to myself" okay its just a song, it means nothing.
then you change the song

"Why can't you find a way, won't you find a way back to these arms, this is our day won't you find a way back to these arms"

of course it means nothing, because i was the one that is wishing for him to find his way back to me. it just didn't make any sense

then you have to go and and play this song that probably did not mean anything, but i love you too much, i like to hurt myself by making myself a false happiness
but how could it get any real, when you look at me in the eyes like that. look me in the eyes and walk away and let me listen to a song that stops my heart. listen to the words that are only real in my dreams

"Have I Told You Lately that I love you? Have I told you there's no one else above you? Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do. For the morning sun in all it's glory, Meets the day with hope and comfort too, You fill my life with laughter, somehow you make it better, Ease my troubles, that's what you do. There's a love less defined,
And it's yours and it's mine, Like the sun. And at the end of the day, We should give thanks and pray, To The One, to The One. Have I Told You Lately that I love you? Have I told you there's no one else above you? Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
There's a love less defined, And its yours and its mine, Like the sun. And at the end of the day, We should give thanks and pray, To The One, to The One. Have I Told You Lately That I Love you? Have I told you there's no one else above you? Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do. Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do. Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do."

no, no you haven't told me lately.
i love you..

when it all comes back again

i miss you incredibly.
so much more everyday..

i hate memories.
especially when they come back over and over again
to haunt you of what you long for

but what you can't have

Immaturity

i like to rant, you everyone knows it. everyone who has followed my blog, or has skimmed passed it will know i like to rant. why? because i have a lot to say. why? because i am a magnet for immature people. and it's not like all my friends are immature. i have this one friend. let's call her Alexandra, who is probably the most immature person in the world. we met way back and she was fine. well i guess i was immature back then too. but i grew up. I'm over being that little immature who gets in fights everyday and kiss and make up the next. so Alex and i have stuck it through all these years, and she never grew up. like seriously, she has a mind of a 3 year old. shes rude, she has no manners, she has major paranoia, shes incompetent, and she uses people as a crutch way way too much.
so theres this other let's name her um Monica. she's my best friend. and she did nothing to Alex. and i promise you i am not being biased, because I've been friends with both of them. she did nothing, and yet Alex is doing gestures behind her back, muttering under her breath, and taking behind her back. like honestly come on! we are 18 years old and we are still going through this? 18! we're adults! and yet we will stoop to thats level where we are doing gestures?
so i get mad one day, because everything alex does, i'm the stupid lucky one that is close enough to see, and i hear everything. not wanting to start any , i hold it in. a person can only hold it in for so long correct? so i slip through the cracks, and i'm really starting to break, so she pushed my last fuse and i snap, i literally scream

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID CRAZY BITCH SHUT UP SHUT UP! I'M SO SICK ENTIRE OF YOUR STUPID AND YOUR STUPID REMARKS. SO FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

And when i say scream, i mean scream, like scream until i went hoarse, and she has the guts to scream back

"NO, i never asked you to listen it's not aimed at you"

so me being already fuse shot goes nuts at this comment and says

"WELL GUESS WHOSE THE LUCKY ONE THAT HEARS IT ALL ME AND I'M SICK OF IT, I'M SICK OF YOU. I CAN'T WAIT TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE SO I DON'T HAVE TO SEE YOU EVER AGAIN"

then she had braver guts to say

"you too!"

but she didn't mean it, i did. i meant everything i said. and i still do, and it's been 4 days. and i still mean it. i'm done with this stupid grade three drama. so i ended it. i got the last say and shes still trying to win me back. personally if someone said that stuff to me, i would never approach her.

bulletproof

I still don’t get it. Just tell me so I can understand. Every time I see you, I feel like I’ve lost a friend, I hope you know it’s not easy for me. It’s not that simple. I took a chance with you. I was flying with colours; the best that I could portray myself. And you shot it. You told me that you needed me, and then you pushed my heart around. I hope you didn’t forget every single thing you said to me, because every time you look at me I can see the guilt in your eyes. Can you see the pain in mine? I’m so confused, and frustrated these days, and I keep forgetting what i want to say because you’re on my mind. I have no one to believe now; No one to believe in me. Did you expect me to believe in every single letter that came out of your mouth? But I do, I still do...There’s no one to save me anymore. I don’t get it; did you play me because you just needed to feel alive again? Did you make me smile so you can feel whole inside again? Why did you have to put down my dreams unintentionally until you’re the first thing, the last thing, and the only thing on my mind? It’s not suppose to be like this. We we’re supposed to be happy together. Look, you’ve got me crying again. I’m so foolish, tell me I’m foolish. We we’re suppose to care for each other, and believe in each other. I feel it. It’s not suppose to feel this way, It’s suppose to hurt like this. The hurt i feel, when i think that everytime you look at me, you don’t see me the way you did a few months ago. Remember? The one that you called a cute because she was so clumsy? The you told that you loved talking to, when now you hardly do. The hurt that i feel everytime i look at you, i feel that you’re staring right through me like I’m not there. Do you even know how much it hurts? The feeling that you gave up on me for her? You don’t understand, and maybe you do, so maybe you can’t grasp it. how much i incredibly love you. With my full and complete heart. No more, no less. No less, because i love you more than less, and no more because i think its the limit i can feel until you share it with me. Can’t you grasp that everytime i see you, my heart is beating uncontrollably. My butterflies, are intense and won’t stop. That even if you’re not mine, when I’m walking by your side, I feel like the happiest in the world, to know a person like you. it’s like a new day, and i’m myself again. I’m smiling, and i mean it. I’m laughing and i mean it. you make me smile. Like no tomorrow. This, this is what i’ve been waiting for, I’m sure of it; I’m sure. Just believe me like you did before. When everything that i ever said you believed. Remember? The who believes Pluto is a planet? The who is an absolute dreamer and is in love with flowers and stars, and clouds? The that is in love with you? Why can’t you just believe me again? What am i suppose to do when everything falls apart. When i have one of those breakdowns that you would comfort me. Everyone always tells me that it is going to be okay. And i hardly believe in them at first, it takes them a couple of tries. But with you I believe you just like that. I just don’t understand sweetie, what did I do wrong that made you change your heart? I’ll fix it. Just for you. Just for you, and only just for you. And I’m going to be here for you no matter what you say, because though you may not know it, I believe in you. Even after you hurt me, and our trust is broken. And i know now that I’m not bulletproof; and now you know too, because you’ve shot me.

staring truth, square in the face

everytime i go on the Internet, and sign onto my little blog that i use as a refuge to my well being, i just spend a good ten minutes staring at that quote i put at the beginning of my blog. and i just sit and stare. everything is true except for the part where it says " I say find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back." because i am in quite confidence that i am not loved. and i just sit and stare at the truth, and how much i am lying to myself. i try to pretend that i don't love him just for the sake to keep him as a friend. i care about him that much to the point where when its him and me, i don't quite care what happens to me.

i wonder if he knows, if he feels it. i wonder if he sits there, in his little tiny organized bedroom and feels that someone is constantly loving him. that someone would kindly step in front of a bullet, no a milllion bullets for him if they could survive that long. someone who cares more then anyone in the world. someone that never spoke one bad word behind his back.

they say that at the time your thinking about that person, that same equal thought is them thinking about you. i laughed at that saying. because i know its not true. he has much better things to do, then to waste his time.

yet, there are times when he looks at me, and we just stare at each other, and i just want to cry, because i feel it in his eyes that he misses me too. but that's just sometimes. i know he knows that i would've been perfect. everytime i look in his eyes, i hope he can see in my eyes, the eyes less prettier than his, that i miss him more then he can imagine. that when i'm having a terrible day that i just want to hold someone that i love, and never let go. i hope he sees striaght through to my heart, and see how much he breaks and heals my heart over and over again. i hope he sees in my eyes that i think he is perfect.

i wrote this for him when i was in the deepest furrows of my anger, and it still holds true.
i'll post it in the next blog

mother's

happy mother's day to all mother's in the world.
well not all mothers. maybe some. the some of those who actually stick it out with the kid, and help them grow into healthy sophisticated adults.
to those who come home everyday with a smile on their face and you know that you are loved without them even mentioning it. my mother always told me that the reason why she doesn't tell me she loves me is because she doesn't need to. because i will already know. but i must admit that it would be nice to here that i'm loved once in a while.
anyways back to mothers
mothers this is your day. you deserve it. you cook for us, you spend money on us, you do everything for us. they gave birth to us. the fruit of life people! mothers are literally superhuman.

so to all the mother's out there, maybe not some. but the majority of them
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO YOU.

a damn rancid thing called love.

i could just scream!
i tried over and over again to restrain myself for not falling in love with him again
i tell myself
`vicky, it`s no use, why would he ever go for a like you. give up
but the thing i learned about myself is that i don`t listen to myself very well. not at all at times.

i tried. and it`s the effort that counts. and i sound like such a hypocrite when i tell people
`you can`t choose who you love` while my own feelings i`m trying to smother.

i guess i really didnt stop loving him, thats why i fall so quickly each time.
because i know that i am really in love with him. even if he`ll never know. and i really don`t plan on telling him anytime soon.

my friend alex who is very good friends with him was saying to me `when you love someone, let it shine`
well alex i did before and it was perfect but it didnt last very long did it.
i`m sorry, that was a very bitter comment. i`m just very upset with myself for letting someone so incredibly perfect slip from my fingertips.
i had him all to myself. he cared for no one but me. me! a who is always second to best. the who people see as a friend and nothing more. the people always look past to the more prettier s beside me.
and yet, he stood there, he liked me! better yet he liked me first!!!
and just the thought brings a smile at the corner of my mouth.
what i`m trying to say Alex, is that he already knows i like him, but he doesn`t know i love him with my complete heart.
he doesn`t know that when he gazes at me with those ice ocean blue eyes, my heart stops.
he doesn`t know that i care about and for him more then his parents do, and thats a fact.
Alex, it`s so hard to love him. and everyone knows that. he has the worst moodswings in the world. one day he is the sweetest most loving person in the world, and the next day he completely ignores me. it`s so hard, but i love loving him. i just do. and i wish, and you don`t know how much i just long to let it shine. and i think i already am letting it shine. i`m shining brighter then the sun itself, and yet when he looks my way to see what the cause of the sudden brightening of the room is, i throw a cloud out and block his view from the happiness i feel from the other side.

it`s a damn rancid thing called love, that causes people to turn borderline insane.