so long sweetheart

So long sweetheart.

I don’t know where to start, because I don’t know how I feel. I’m swollen with happiness that I’m weighted down with sadness. Can one person really feel that much all at once? I’m going to be frank and honest, you make me smile. You really do. Not like a smile that I know will get crushed, but smile because I know it never will. You will never hurt me like that, because you will never have to. I’m your friend, and I’m so grateful. But I wonder every moment I look at you if it is possible to like a friend so much that it’s unhealthy? It was great meeting you, and befriending you, and laughing with you, and fighting with you. Thank you for being my friend. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I rather love you and have you as my friend, then to love you and not know you at all.  Thank you for letting me in, being the perfect gentlemen you are. Thank you for caring, and most of all, Thank you for every single moment with you. I love you, as a friend. And I’m pretty sure I’m in like with you. No, I’m not in love. I am not that foolish to fall into that hole again, but there is something there, and I’m sorry that you don’t feel that way too. But I have you as my friend, and I am happy with that.

So long my sweet friend. There is no “what could’ve beens” and “what would’ve been” there is only what will happen next.

So long my sweetheart.

one messed up mirror

i am a mirror with cracks. I cannot be the perfect image you see me as. As much as I try I will never live up to your expectations. or my own. because I am who I am. But you are my friend, you are suppose to understnad. not cut me up. What is a friend? I may not know the true definition of friend, but what I know is  not what you are doing right now. you are not my friend right now

it's okay to feel lost

There are things people must learn about jealousy. It is not attractive. And no one on this planet or universe can ever say they have never felt envy. Because the truth is, “He that is not jealous is not in love.” And I am in love. I am in love with this world, and with everything in it. And I am jealous. I envy people who have everything, but I hate that they take it for granted. And people who don’t have anything, I envy the way they cherish things. Where do I stand? I’m just a normal person who neither has nor has lost anything. There are points in life where I thought I lost my way, but I’ve come to learn that is the way life is supposes to be. It’s supposes to be hard, it’s suppose to be challenging; it’s suppose to be ugly. Because without the ugliness, where is the beauty? I’ve learned that in life you make mistakes, and the mistakes you make, you have to answer for. I’ve learned in life that the best thing to do is to be you and not be afraid to do so, because it’s much better than being yourself. But that doesn’t mean a person can’t change. People change for the good. So I admit, I’m not the most fun person to be with. But I know I am worthwhile to at least someone out there.  I’m not interesting, I’m not right all the time, and I’m not wrong all the time. My life is pretty much average. I’ve never had a best friend, and I’ve never had someone to hold and say I love, and I’ve never really let anyone in. But that’s okay. Because it goes to show after a while who gets sick of the shield I put up and those who stick around in case I do.  I can fall off the face of this planet, and at first someone would notice, and that notification will become a fad. But sooner of later, It all fads, and you know who sticks around. So I don’t mind. Yes, I want to have the summer to remember. But what is there to remember when you don’t have a best friend to share it with. What’s a summer without someone you can turn to? Drinking and parties? Just kicking back and letting the alcohol take control. That’s not me, and I like me for not being that person. What’s a summer without that? It’s just a summer. So no, I’m not too worried. At some point in life there is someone out there who is going to call out to be and become my best friend. At some point in time, I will find the love of my life. So no, I don’t mind falling off the face of the planet. I don’t mind keeping to myself. At least for a little while.

i want to be amazed.

see you later instead of goodbyes

I don’t know where to start, because I don’t know how I feel. I’m swollen with happiness that I’m weighted down with sadness. Can one person really feel that much all at once? I’m going to be frank and honest, you make me smile. You really do. Not like a smile that I know will get crushed, but smile because I know it never will. You will never hurt me like that, because you will never have to. I’m your friend, and I’m so grateful. But I wonder every moment I look at you if it is possible to like a friend so much that it’s unhealthy? It was great meeting you, and befriending you, and laughing with you, and fighting with you. Thank you for being my friend. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I rather love you and have you as my friend, then to love you and not know you at all.  Thank you for letting me in, being the perfect gentlemen you are. Thank you for caring, and most of all, Thank you for every single moment with you. I love you, as a friend. And I’m pretty sure I’m in like with you. No, I’m not in love. I am not that foolish to fall into that hole again, but there is something there, and I’m sorry that you don’t feel that way too. But I have you as my friend, and I am happy with that.

So long my sweet friend. There is no “what could’ve beens” and “what would’ve been” there is only what will happen next.

So long my sweetheart.

oh that jealous bitch

I should not be like this. I have never been this jealous in my life. I am not usually the jealous person, but whenever I see something that you do, or someone does to you that I wish that I was the one either saying it to you or you are saying it to me, I get deep green with envy. This rage and jealousy bubbles at the pit of my stomach and I just want to scream. And I hate it because I don't want it to ruin any friendship ties I have with you or anyone. I just have to calm down. and it is easier said then done. I'm turning into that jealous bitch.

a letter for a concerning parent

FOR THE FUTURE

dear concerned parent,

i know you are concerned, about the happiness and wellness for my heart, but you just need to let me let my heart guide itself. you told me when i was young that i was free to love whomever i want as long as he makes me happy, supports me, loves me, and is good for me. well i am not sure if he is the one, but i need to experiment; but from what i know so far is that he supports my every move, and supports me more than i support myself. he doesn't love me but from what he told me, he's pretty much crazy about me as i am crazy about him. he's good towards every single one of our famly members, and hes good towards me; he's dependant, hardworking and caring, and is a complete gentlemen, so yes in my books, he is good for me. and of course the most obvious statement; he makes me incredibly happy.

i know i am being irrational for falling so much in such a short period of time, but its just the way it happened. i'm smart, and you know it. but i would really appreciate it if you supported me. we are nothing yet, but he is someone i want to spend a lot of years with. He's is someone one who is willing to wait for, and that enough proves to you that he is perfect.

possibility

there's a possibility

there's a possibility
that all I had, is all I gon' get

there's a possibility
there's a possibility
all I gon' get is gon' be yours then
all I gon' get is gon' be yours still

so tell me when you hear my heart stop
your the only one that knows
so tell me when you hear my silence
there's a possibility I wouldn't know

know that when you leave
know that when you leave
by blood and by me, you walk like a thief
by blood and by me and I'll fall when you leave

so tell me when you hear my heart stop
you're the only one that knows
tell me when you hear my silence
there's a possibility I wouldn't know

so tell me when my silence's over
you're the reason why I'm closed
tell me when you hear me falling
there's a possibility it wouldn't show

by blood and by me, I'll fall when you leave
by blood and by lead, I'll follow your lead

I feel as though something is gone. 
and I know what it is.
it's something that I never had.

happy highs, and dirty lows

I don't know what it is about me. the most I could do is just sit there and smile while my head wander on its own to wherever it pleases. I throw in a laugh here and there to show my attention that I am really listening to the conversation, but have no input because the whole conversation is filled with inside jokes, and snide remarks. I make eye contact once every 30 secs to let them know that I'm not a deadbeat, while I let my mind soar in odd angles and circular deloopdeloops protecting itself from the harsh world. I'm happy. really, I am. But if thats the case, why can't I convince myself. It's like trying to convince yourself that the water is fine, so just dive in. But you hesitate at the edge, and test the water several times before you nosedive into the shrilling cold water that freezes every single cell in your body. Well I'm at the part in life. I'm at the part where I'm standing at the edge testing the water. Like a normal person would do would be test the water and then nosedive in. But that's a normal person. It feels like every single time I and convinced that  I will get use to the water and it will warm up eventually, it gets 3 degrees colder each time. So here I am standing at the edge looking down at the depthless black liquid, not knowing if I should just dive in. This is not my lake that I'm use to. There is no one here to protect me but myself, and I'm not sure if I am up for that responsibility yet. But everyone know that the trouble with hesitation is the fact that you might not get a second chance. I know I should just jump in not caring if I did the perfect flawless dive, but it seems that my feet have been so use to standing at the edge that I have rooted myself to the spot.

another night

I feel so empty.
like something is missing from inside of me, and no matter how hard I try to think about what that is that I'm missing, it will just burrow itself deeper, so it can't be found. I don't know what it is, and its burning me inside with curiosity. I try to get a grip of myself and pull myself together, but somethings just can't be pulled together; like things you don't know. How am I suppose to know what to pull together, what to get a grip of, if I don't know what it is to start with. I feel empty, and useless, and not worthwhile. I am a sad excuse for a human being I'll tell you. I bury myself into the fantasies of tv shows, and movies, and books, knowing that I am just going to drown myself in depression. But I do it anyways. I do it because I'd rather live someone else live except for mine. People say that movies and fairytales STAY in movies and fairytales. But there wrong. Look around you folks, you have at least one thing that resembles a movie or a fairytale. But you don't notice it because you are too busy living it. I think I'm the storyteller. I think that I'm the one that nothing happens to, but it happens to the people around them. so it's my job to tell the story. But who do I tell it too? I have nothing to tell, I have no one to tell it too. Like I said, my show is going to get cancelled, it has no thrill and has not 'oomph' nothing. nata. I guess this is what happens when you have big dreams. You have to put your life on halt for a few years and focus on your 'future'. But I never knew that going after your dream is suppose to feel this lonely, and empty.

Well ladies and gentlemen, I am you're prime time exhibit A for a person who can safely say,
My Life Is Average.

Is it sad that the only people I've said goodnight to is you?
and you can't even say it back.

lonely is so lonely alone

before my life would`ve beat Gossip Girl any day in the ratings.

but at this rate. my show is going to get cancelled.

yes, If you're wondering, I am Surprised

I thought I was your best friend. I thought that after everything I said about you, that we would be closer? I don't know what happened? I thought that this whole friendship thing could work out for you and I even if you were all the way across the world, but I guess not. I guess you think, that after everything that happens and I guess that you think that even though you can go on and ignore me for the whole year unless I message you, that everything is going to be fine when you come back, and I'll still be here waiting in the sidelines, like the pushover you left me to be. Well guess what. I don't think so. This friendship is not a one way street, It is a two way one, and if you are not willing to do the effort, then I'm not going to push. I'm not going to force my car down through on coming traffic, while I have a red light. I'm not going to go through that do not enter sign, because I know I'm just going to get disappointed, and have to pull a U - Turn. I thought that we were friends, hell; I thought we were best friends. well this news flash was a slap in the face.

slipping away.

i don't believe in the concept of love anymore. It's slipping away like soap from my very fingertips, and I'm trying so hard to hang on it with a firm grasp; but it's not working. I don't understand it anymore. I thought I knew it, thought I had it down pat, but now, it's like its the first time I've heard of it. I don't know what it is, how it feels, what it does to your heart, everything. I have forgotten everything, and frankly I hate being in the dark. I hate not knowing. As a natural human being, we don\t like going into things without knowing at least something about it, and that's me. I am so in the dark, that I am afraid to step a foot anywhere near the area of love. SOS. I knew I was going to lose it, but really this soon? maybe I;m delusional. Maybe I've turned psychotic.

i wanna be in love

all I'm trying to do is figure you out.

You are a puzzle to me. You confuse me with your sweetness, and baffle me with your harsh acts. But I still come back. You interest me. The puzzlement of your character has lured me into your trap, and I keep coming back for more. Maybe because it’s all new. Maybe because that’s the way you play with our minds. Maybe it’s a relief that I finally found someone that is a mystery to me, and that’s exciting. I never know what to say to you, and I usually plan the conversation in advance, but with you, all the planned conversation goes out the window when I see you, and I just “wing it”.  Is that good? To just “wing it”? To just let life fall in its path; wrecked up or not? What if I sound like a total idiot? All I want to do is figure you out, but the more I try to probe for answers, the less I get. The deeper I get, then more complex it gets. The more I think I know you, the more I don't. Let me in, I won't hurt you. I'm different. Trust me.

Goodbyes

Just Leave.

I know I deserve better than this. You’ve showed me what a good person that I have become, and now I am starting to believe that I can change lives with just a smile. I tried to keep you in my life because I know you will need a friend someday. But you never called. You never messaged me. How can this friendship work if it’s only one way? Am I just that girl that you look at and I have “what could have been” stamped on my forehead? Is that the reason why you can’t deal with me? But yet you still torture me by being in my life. I love you; I love you to the point where I hate you. I hate loving you. I want you to go away and never come back because I deserve to be happy. I deserve it more than any person you talk to in the world. I want you to leave. And when you are ready and when I am ready, maybe you can come back. 

an introvert weekend

I didn't feel like being social today, so I stayed indoors, like the hermit I am. I read, and watched lived my social life through numerous episodes of Gossip Girl. The life I kinda wish I had. The easiness, the love, the fame. but I could live without the scandal. But what is fame? its something that drives you into a greedy green eyed monster. so maybe fame isn't a bad thing.

I am slowly catching up on my readings, and every sentence I am writing here, I regret. Why? Because I wish my life was more exciting for everyone to read. I want my life to be something that someone sits down and absorbs themselves into my life, and yearn for answers at the end of the  "episode" well folks, the season has hit a hiatus. maybe life will turn up in my pocket again one day

til then
I'm stuck being the bored weird one.
goodnight

i use to think i'd die with out you, and now, i know dying would be easier than facing this insanity

What a boring life

so, its been awhile since I've actually written something worthwhile. but to tell you the truth, i have nothing to blog about. nothing is exciting, nothing is new. nothing is happening. not that i want drama, who wants that? but I want something exciting. I need some excitement in my life. I know that its fictional, but I wish the excitement and thrill that you see in movies were real. the thrill of love, the excitement of doing things youve never done before. but honestly nothing is happening. I believe that is because I am commuting from home for university. Because all i do is go to school, then I go homes and i have no social life whatsoever. Depressing isn't it? I think so. But I will change it. But i just have to get my head on striaght. I've started my journal again, but I stopped. I feel like I haven't been approaching my artistic side of life very much. But I promise to do better. I will learn how to play guitar. And that means learning more than 2 songs. I will be on the top of everything. I will be poetic. I will find excitement in my life.

til then
goodnight world. and thanks for keeping up with me. whoever you are. even if its one person, thank you.

not easily read

i can usually read people. I am very good at that. I can tell when they are having a bad day and why. I can tell when they are annoyed, happy, anything. But you confuse me. I don't know what to think anymore. If you are happy, angry, sad. You confuse me.

smile

you make so happy.

My Resolutions

The first resolution that popped my head as the new year rolled around while watching the ball drop on tv in New York City Time Square was to laugh, and smile, and mean it. This is a new year, and it’s going to be a happy one, and I’m going to smile my way through it like a healthy human.

second, is to love.

third is to not forget. I will not try to shove every non-happy memory that I’ve felt in my life. Yes it will be nice to forget, but this is something that has happened and we can’t let go. But what the past is, is something that we learn something new in the past, and changes everything we know in the present. Because when we try to forget and successfully do, we are bound to repeat the same mistake. So no more trying to forget.

fourth is to fulfill my dream, and it will be my new years resolution until the day I reach my destination. I may not fulfill my dream in one year, but one big step towards it is good enough. I will develop amazing study skills, and use my time wisely. I will go into the midterms and exams with a firm chin and a sense of courage that I’m going to walk out of a smile on my face and a sigh of satisfaction that I’m going to do okay.

fifth is to be friendly. To try hard not to disappoint, and to refrain from causing hurt and pain to anyone. with some exceptions

sixth is to learn how to say no once in a while.

seventh is not to feel guilty at every little thing.

eighth to have a bigger backbone, and if I fail to do so, then I shall build the tiny backbone that I have to be strong as a diamond.

nine is become fit.

ten is to see through the shell of a person and learn about the soul until I make my judgements

eleven is to make my parents laugh and smile more than they have ever done last year

twelve is to be artistic, and wild, and crazy, more than usual

thirteenth, is to be myself, and not be afraid to do so, because being yourself is much better than trying to act like someone you don’t agree with

fourteenth is to keep my morals, and stay true to them, not for them, not for anyone but myself.

fifteenth is to take the first step to accept myself

sixteenth, as always is to keep every single promise I make, and only make promises that I know I can keep.

it's funny how these things work

its the second day of the new year, and I already don't like you. you never changed; at all, and you are still the stubborn bitch I've ever known in my whole life. Honestly. If you don't change, I don't want to know you anymore.