habits

When they say that old habits die hard; they actually mean it.
Yes, I have tried to stop biting my nails, and it was like insane fidgeting; so why on earth didn't I see this coming? It's not that I don't want to talk to you, but I love it; way too much, then I should. You and I are like made to be friends. When I talk to you, I feel the world lift off my shoulders for those seconds that we are talking. And I know I shouldn't feel that, It's not allowed anymore. Old habits die hard, and I don't think this habit will die. But on earth would you pick September 22 to talk to me again? Why did you choose the day, where 365 days ago, we were walking alongside each other at 10 o'clock at night just talking and laughing. Where we were just so happy, and . Was it coincident? Or was it on purpose?

rain rain go away

I love the rain, but not on Monday mornings. Mondays are so blah. Mondays are the days where you are so tired because the weekend was just yesterday, and you still want it to be the weekend. Tuesday is a better day then Monday, you are starting to get some energy. Wednesday is long days because you don't ever think the weekend is EVER going to come. Thursday is when you loose all your energy and is ready for the weekend. And Friday? there is no energy. You just drag yourself through the day because you know that tomorrow you get to sleep in. The process repeats itself over and over again.

wow, I sound so lazy when I say that. I know I'm trying out this time manageable thing, where I'm not procrastinating anymore. Hopefully it works. I really want to do good in school. And I sound like a big tool when I say that, but its true.

procrastination, laziness, boredom, and an attention span of a small child

so I have readings I have to do in Psychology, and I promised myself that I would get it done within last week. WRONG. I did not get it done, and now I am swamps. Hooray for me!!! I have to read 79 pages, and I am on page 18. I've read 10 pages since 1:30. That is really slow. It's not that it's boring - okay it is kinda boring -  the stuff is actually pretty interesting, but I'm just so lazy. I promised myself that I would be very responsible when I get to University, and I can feel the old habits kicking in. And I must fight the urges to fall back into them, and it really isn't helping that I am blogging is it? UGH my attention diverts so quickly, the littlest things distract me. OKAY new rule, if I don't finish, then I can't watch my shows. okay ONWARD WITH THE READINGS!
tata!

happiness? I think not.

Just came back from a shower. And I realized something; I'm not singing in the shower anymore. That weirded me out. I guess I was just so caught up in my thoughts, that I was just silent. Thinking is what I am really afraid of these days. I try to preoccupy myself, so I don't think, but whenever I have the little moment to spare, thoughts just flood in like the air pushing its way out of a punctured balloon. Then I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about the fact where I can never be truly happy. Look how happy I was in my latest blogs. I thought that this was it, yeah I'm so happy. But no, I have to go and it up. Which is not a new thing for, I pretty much up every relationship. This time was different though. I just completely stop liking him. Just one day, I literally woke up and had zero feelings for him. It was the most bizarre feeling ever. I guess the fact that it was a spur of the moment, and I was still heartbroken. I don't want to think of him as a rebound guy, but he was just too, happy. Gosh, I sound so stupid when I say that, but hear me out. He smiled when I was crying, yes that's right. He never asked if I was okay, all he said was to stop crying and I was being silly. All he did was joke, and it was NEVER serious with him. All he did was bury his emotions deep inside of him. Yes, I loved his jokes, but I can't love a clown. I can't stand being the sad all the time, and he made it worst by laughing all the time. He's a great guy, a great friend, but he just wasn't for me.  It was my heart that guided me to him, and it was my heart that guided itself out. I did open my eyes to a beautiful world, so I will thank him for that one day. Geez Victoria, why can't you be happy anymore? That is a question I've been wondering for the last 5 years. And I am nowhere near the answer.

SNSD and apples

So it's 10:37pm at night, and it is i am tired. The main reason I am tired, is because I am So. God. Damn. Bored. There is nothing to do ever since my brother went back to Ottawa for his 4th and final year at Carleton University. And I can barely talk to him during the week because of the course load, and I'm still trying to fit and schedule everything in, so I have time for everything. I have absolutely nothing to write about, in an pretty artistic way, so this is just going to be a normal blog, which I promise myself that I will do once in a while. I sound so desperate when I'm just talking about love all the time. But its such a beautiful concept that I just can't seem to grasp yet; so sue me. Today, my parents and I went to the Apple Fest in Georgetown ( a little cute town with old beautiful buildings near my University) and it was actually pretty neat. It was literally like flea market, but of course I didn't buy anything. I already spent so much money over the course of the last month. On school, on transportation ( damn rancid ministry of transportation), on my new room, on gas ( which is double because of the strike), on my books ( which cost 400 dollars), and food, and so on. Money is like running out of my pockets- well my parents' pockets- and I don't even have a job. I don't know if I should get a job or not because I MIGHT be moving into a room near my school, so if i get a job in Cambridge, I'm totally screwed if i get a room. So i don't know. I'm listening to 's Generation non stop. They are just so cute, and beautiful, and their songs are catchy. I miss my long hair. Oh well its hair, it will grow back. Well that was a boring blog. Sorry!!!!

It's me, not you. For once in my life, I can actually say it, and be telling the truth. It's all my fault. I made stupid promises that I knew i couldn't keep, and now I'm in deeper trouble than I expected. I feel so guilty that I had to put you through this, and I feel rotten, and lousy, and sorry, and I feel like such a bad person. Maybe I am a bad person? I didn't mean to make you fall completely in love with me, than leave and go around like nothing happened. I just can't do this. I thought I could. I thought I could go on liking you and living life here; but I can't. I barely know you to actually decide how I feel about you. And it makes me feel so lousy how because of you, I wrote such beautiful things, and now it feels like a lie staring me right in the face. I'm sorry, I really am. I never wanted it to be like this. I hope you forgive me one day. or maybe never; I deserve that much.

and it is bubbling in my stomach, like vinegar and sodium.
i feel it crawling slowly up my throat
now it is in my mouth
my teeth are wretched together so it can't escape
 no idea what it is, but i keep my mouth shut anyways
but it keeps pressing
it hurts to keep shut
painful
so i let go
set free the bubbling monster.
out of my mouth comes a unique sound.
high pitch crystal bells
different
i was scared for nothing
minutes go by
and i am slowly learning again what this sound is
thoughts rewind
memories flood in
the sound is laughter.
i am laughing.
laughing for the first time in a long time
real laughter.
the gut wretching laughter.
the tear streaking laughter.
the air gasping laughter.
painful.
call me masochistic
but i love this feeling
laughter
i love the feeling of laughter.