lost of connection

I think orphanages are stupid. If you stop reading here, you will think I'm a low life, who thinks all the people in the orphanages are vermin.  But I don't think that. I think their are people who deserve a chance. But what i don't like is that they separate the brothers and sisters apart and want nothing to connect together. I think THAT is low, and that concept alone can be looked at as vermin. They are the only family they have left, and you want to separate them and not let them keep in touch? that is cruel. Yes, you are giving them a new life, but they will have to know somewhere down the line. That is a blood relative, and you can't leave them feeling alone in the world, because frankly, the world is a scary place.

and you say i need help? been there, done that. now its your turn

oh i have many many comebacks for you. i have many many many comebacks that I can say to you but i don’t. because i am not a basterd that would sink so low to say that to me. You are inconsiderate, and you are weak. you may think you are strong and macho with your martial arts and you are, i wouldn't doubt it  for one second and I applaud you for it but i do not applaud you for your attitude. you may be strong when it come to being there for me, and nice when we are talking about someone else. but when it comes to talking about you, you get defensive and weak. you turn the argument around to the opposing person and you start bashing them because you are afraid to have hear about yourself. i wouldn't have thought that you were that kind of person. the one that when in an arguement has nothing to say so they look for other things to say. STICK WITH THE SUBJECT. don't go bashing me about my career after you've been phrased me about it. I would NEVER do that to you. I was the first person to congratulate you after you got accepted into Sheridan. Who is the first person you go to about your problems? Me. So what if its just this one time that i am right. and you know i am or you wouldn't have gotten defensive. so next time you have the daring guts to cross that dangerous line to curse me about me and my future, make sure you know who exactly who you are talking to. the person who supported you all this time. yeah think about it. There are somethings that people say when they are mad, and there are things that people say that are the truth when they are angry; and thanks for letting me know how exactly you feel about me. I appreciate it, but i would've liked it better if you told me sooner so i didn't have to waste my time on you. you are a very good person, and you will go far in life, and i have nothing bad to say about you. but you didn't hurt me, you hurt my soul. if i was a person with a soilid self esteem i would be like " i dont care say what you want", but you KNOW that i don't. I've gone through shhit that no one in this family will EVER go through and it beat me up pretty well, so you knew that it would hit me hard. you are a horrible person, and i don't think i can ever forgive you for it. another thing, if you want respect, then you better give it before you receive it. because it doesn’t matter if you are older, if you don’t give her the respect she deserves then you do not deserve it back whatsoever.  next time you pick a something like this with me, think about why i was so mad. you didn't hurt her physically only. you hurt her emotionally, and you wouldnt care because she is your sister. but she is going through a tough age, and being made fun of and laughed at is not a really good route to take with her. oh you know why i was swearing? Because i didn’t expect it to come from you. see how amazingly good i thought about you? i did not expect it to come from you. but it did. and now i am disappointed.so very disappointed in you. i was shocked. i literally bite my tongue to stop myself from retorting things that would hurt you and i would regret 3 seconds after i said it. And that’s worst then anger oh and one more thing. you know the cousin that you always talk about talking about me and my career and how she should and how thats low and mean. well congratulations, you have finally sunk to her level. i applaud you for the second time and next time i see you i will give you a gold star and an A+ for convincing me so well that you thought otherwise.

"Nothing is permanent,not even death."

comprehension of feelings

I didn’t mean to fall this fast – no scratch that, I didn’t mean to fall at all. There was no intention in looking at him in any way but a friend. He entered my world, just like any normal person would enter it; with polite hellos, caring how-are-you’s and well-mannered goodbyes. So why is he so different? Why is it that he is standing in a different spotlight then everyone else? There was not magical spark, no fairytale love at first site. I didn’t expect anything but a nice and semi-developed friendship that started out by having a simple class together every Wednesdays and Fridays. First just talking in person, then talking on our phones with superficial monosyllable sentences that were empty with meaning and normal everyday conversation you would have with a stranger in a grocery store. But it developed into beautiful conversation; things with meanings, our dislikes, our likes, our families, our interests, his dreams, my dreams. And he was just so beautiful. He is a beautiful person. My feelings intensified; as if I was centered out of a crowd of a million underneath of a microscope. He is someone that i was falling for out of nowhere, and in such a short time, I can feel myself falling deeply in like of him. He captivates my heart, my mind, and my soul, and pulls the smile of laughter from deep within me, and everything I feel causes me to feel as if I am ready to explode. No one should feel this much at the same time. It’s 100% insane on how this could happen, for me to feel this way. For me to long for the days where i get to see him. Desperate for his company, longing to know his story and what comes next. Joy and pure bliss was never suppose to come hand in hand  with hurt and misery.  I love laughing at him, making fun at him. Staring at those deep thoughtful eyes as if I was drinking in a story that even he didn’t know. to have my heart swell like a balloon every time I open my phone and see his name come up as a incoming text, to secretly smile to myself when he asks me for a favour, or do a favour for him without him asking. The way he looks when he’s stressed, the way he makes me feel safe, the way he always has the perfect scruff.  Even moment I see him, I start to compare him to everyone around me, to everyone I have ever met in my life, to everyone that I have ever got my heart broken, and they don’t even come close to comparing to him. Perfect without being perfect; imperfect without a flaw.  I don’t think I ever wanted something to be mine so much in my life before, and that feeling is controlling our friendship. It depresses me when I should be happy, and causes me to breakdown when I should be at my strongest. I’m happy and scared all at the same time, and that kind of feeling can cause one to feel crazy inside. I want to know his story, and I want to know how it continues, and how it ends; but most of all, I want to be in it.

the wind in my hair,
the leaves pass my face and tickle my cheeks
pumpkins set out everywhere, which slowly turn to twinkling lights in trees and rooftops
the wind grows harsher, cutting my cheeks with frozen frostbite

ah, autumn has just come and is quickly fading away leaving winter.

Happy Birthday to Daddy!