happy highs, and dirty lows

I don't know what it is about me. the most I could do is just sit there and smile while my head wander on its own to wherever it pleases. I throw in a laugh here and there to show my attention that I am really listening to the conversation, but have no input because the whole conversation is filled with inside jokes, and snide remarks. I make eye contact once every 30 secs to let them know that I'm not a deadbeat, while I let my mind soar in odd angles and circular deloopdeloops protecting itself from the harsh world. I'm happy. really, I am. But if thats the case, why can't I convince myself. It's like trying to convince yourself that the water is fine, so just dive in. But you hesitate at the edge, and test the water several times before you nosedive into the shrilling cold water that freezes every single cell in your body. Well I'm at the part in life. I'm at the part where I'm standing at the edge testing the water. Like a normal person would do would be test the water and then nosedive in. But that's a normal person. It feels like every single time I and convinced that  I will get use to the water and it will warm up eventually, it gets 3 degrees colder each time. So here I am standing at the edge looking down at the depthless black liquid, not knowing if I should just dive in. This is not my lake that I'm use to. There is no one here to protect me but myself, and I'm not sure if I am up for that responsibility yet. But everyone know that the trouble with hesitation is the fact that you might not get a second chance. I know I should just jump in not caring if I did the perfect flawless dive, but it seems that my feet have been so use to standing at the edge that I have rooted myself to the spot.