walls

I have always wondered why every single person I fall deeply for, I always say the same thing; “I have never felt this way before.” And it feels like every time I say it, I feel like I'm repeating myself, like I’m lying to myself. But I was watching this movie tonight, when the female character says "You can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful specific details," and it just hit me; because it was true. No one can ever be replaced because everyone is different. I really did never feel the way I did with anyone I fell for that I did with that person. It was just the matter of HOW much I felt with them. I know I haven't been completely in love with every single person I fell for. But there were one or two where I did feel a little bit more. But I’ve been hurt to the point where now I EXPECT it to happen, so I’m always bracing myself, and keeping my heart locked up inside of me. I never truly loved anybody fully because of it. I have always had a foot of the ground balancing myself to keep from falling. And I always know what I’m getting into before I get into it so I don’t lose myself. I build walls and poke my head out once in a while to either get my heart stolen, or broken. I don’t know what it’s like to fall completely in love. The encounters where I thought I have, never really mutual; he never did feel the way I felt for him, so yes I did love him, but it wasn’t love. I don’t know what it’s like to be crazy in love; to take risks for love; to do utterly ridiculous stupid things with someone, and laugh about it; to argue over something so small, you forget about what you are arguing about. I don’t even know what it’s like to stand in one spot, lay in one spot, sit in one spot, and just get held, or hold someone like there was no tomorrow and there was never a yesterday. I find that love is a complicated, confusing subject, but it is also the most beautiful concept and I believe in it with everything that I have. But I am ing terrified of it. I’ve been screwed over so many times to the point where I don’t think I have one romantic bone in my body. Yes I can write about love, the heart that swells with happiness when one encounters it. Yes, I can watch movies and ache over the loss of the other persons love; but shove me in front of real- experience love, and I close up like a clam. Because I know what to expect; they’re going to “woo” me in any way they can, and if they know that I’m feeling something just the slightest bit, they’re going to fuck me over. Because they don’t like obstacles, they don’t like complications. It’s like their own personal game to make them feel all high and mighty. I have been losing my romantic side with every second, that I think to myself by the time I turn 20, I’m going to turn into some cold heartless depressed bitch that can never love because she is afraid to let anyone close to her. so no, I never been in love before; no I don’t know what it’s like to be loved; no I have never let anyone close enough to my walls to even try to win me over. But then I met you, and I think to myself, don’t feel because he’s just going come and go just like the last guy. But you’re not leaving. You are forcing yourself past my obstacles, your edging closer to the walls I took 6 years to build, and I don’t know what to do. And to be frank and completely honest; I’m terrified.