i closed my eyes, and shut my thoughts. those eyes that see the cruelty of the world, that haunt my thoughts. the thoughts that think pessimistically, and give endless nights of nightmares. i shut them away, and i try to feel my body, i try to breathe, but like always i feel nothing. i try, i use all the little hope i have left, and try. i try to let my heart guide for once. guide without thinking, without any guides, any judgements; just guide. i try to dissolve all the fear of getting torn, of getting shattered because i am still not fully repaired; but i was willing to take that risk. and suddenly i am falling. i don't know if this is the right feeling, but all i know is that i am falling. down, down and deeper down. i am falling head first. then it hits me so unexpectedly in the chest, that i swore i was going to explode and shatter right then and there. my face hurts, my eyes hurt, everything hurts. everything is numb.
then out of nothingness.
i can feel. the tingling feelings are coming back bit by bit. first the toes, then the knees, the hips, the fingertips, my lips, my eyes. i can feel my hair against my cool skin. and finally the tingling feeling returns to my chest. i can breathe. a weird feeling, but it feels so easy to do. inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. every single breathe taken is a different taste. sweet, bitter, bittersweet. the feeling of my eyes, peel back the filter hiding the world from my eyes; the real world. the world with surreal colours, magical blends. the world where everywhere you look there is sadness, but there is also happiness. where there are nightmares, there are sweet dreams. where there is crying, there is always laughter. where there is war. there is peace. where there is , in some small shape or form, there is always love. and with love it comes hope. and i can finally see that. i am learning slowly with the new advantages that are given to me, i am learning to smile.
and i know in my heart that if this is the way you make me feel, then i want to keep you forever.
because for the first time in a long time, i am living.
