i wanna be in love

all I'm trying to do is figure you out.

You are a puzzle to me. You confuse me with your sweetness, and baffle me with your harsh acts. But I still come back. You interest me. The puzzlement of your character has lured me into your trap, and I keep coming back for more. Maybe because it’s all new. Maybe because that’s the way you play with our minds. Maybe it’s a relief that I finally found someone that is a mystery to me, and that’s exciting. I never know what to say to you, and I usually plan the conversation in advance, but with you, all the planned conversation goes out the window when I see you, and I just “wing it”.  Is that good? To just “wing it”? To just let life fall in its path; wrecked up or not? What if I sound like a total idiot? All I want to do is figure you out, but the more I try to probe for answers, the less I get. The deeper I get, then more complex it gets. The more I think I know you, the more I don't. Let me in, I won't hurt you. I'm different. Trust me.

Goodbyes

Just Leave.

I know I deserve better than this. You’ve showed me what a good person that I have become, and now I am starting to believe that I can change lives with just a smile. I tried to keep you in my life because I know you will need a friend someday. But you never called. You never messaged me. How can this friendship work if it’s only one way? Am I just that girl that you look at and I have “what could have been” stamped on my forehead? Is that the reason why you can’t deal with me? But yet you still torture me by being in my life. I love you; I love you to the point where I hate you. I hate loving you. I want you to go away and never come back because I deserve to be happy. I deserve it more than any person you talk to in the world. I want you to leave. And when you are ready and when I am ready, maybe you can come back. 

an introvert weekend

I didn't feel like being social today, so I stayed indoors, like the hermit I am. I read, and watched lived my social life through numerous episodes of Gossip Girl. The life I kinda wish I had. The easiness, the love, the fame. but I could live without the scandal. But what is fame? its something that drives you into a greedy green eyed monster. so maybe fame isn't a bad thing.

I am slowly catching up on my readings, and every sentence I am writing here, I regret. Why? Because I wish my life was more exciting for everyone to read. I want my life to be something that someone sits down and absorbs themselves into my life, and yearn for answers at the end of the  "episode" well folks, the season has hit a hiatus. maybe life will turn up in my pocket again one day

til then
I'm stuck being the bored weird one.
goodnight

i use to think i'd die with out you, and now, i know dying would be easier than facing this insanity

What a boring life

so, its been awhile since I've actually written something worthwhile. but to tell you the truth, i have nothing to blog about. nothing is exciting, nothing is new. nothing is happening. not that i want drama, who wants that? but I want something exciting. I need some excitement in my life. I know that its fictional, but I wish the excitement and thrill that you see in movies were real. the thrill of love, the excitement of doing things youve never done before. but honestly nothing is happening. I believe that is because I am commuting from home for university. Because all i do is go to school, then I go homes and i have no social life whatsoever. Depressing isn't it? I think so. But I will change it. But i just have to get my head on striaght. I've started my journal again, but I stopped. I feel like I haven't been approaching my artistic side of life very much. But I promise to do better. I will learn how to play guitar. And that means learning more than 2 songs. I will be on the top of everything. I will be poetic. I will find excitement in my life.

til then
goodnight world. and thanks for keeping up with me. whoever you are. even if its one person, thank you.

not easily read

i can usually read people. I am very good at that. I can tell when they are having a bad day and why. I can tell when they are annoyed, happy, anything. But you confuse me. I don't know what to think anymore. If you are happy, angry, sad. You confuse me.

smile

you make so happy.

My Resolutions

The first resolution that popped my head as the new year rolled around while watching the ball drop on tv in New York City Time Square was to laugh, and smile, and mean it. This is a new year, and it’s going to be a happy one, and I’m going to smile my way through it like a healthy human.

second, is to love.

third is to not forget. I will not try to shove every non-happy memory that I’ve felt in my life. Yes it will be nice to forget, but this is something that has happened and we can’t let go. But what the past is, is something that we learn something new in the past, and changes everything we know in the present. Because when we try to forget and successfully do, we are bound to repeat the same mistake. So no more trying to forget.

fourth is to fulfill my dream, and it will be my new years resolution until the day I reach my destination. I may not fulfill my dream in one year, but one big step towards it is good enough. I will develop amazing study skills, and use my time wisely. I will go into the midterms and exams with a firm chin and a sense of courage that I’m going to walk out of a smile on my face and a sigh of satisfaction that I’m going to do okay.

fifth is to be friendly. To try hard not to disappoint, and to refrain from causing hurt and pain to anyone. with some exceptions

sixth is to learn how to say no once in a while.

seventh is not to feel guilty at every little thing.

eighth to have a bigger backbone, and if I fail to do so, then I shall build the tiny backbone that I have to be strong as a diamond.

nine is become fit.

ten is to see through the shell of a person and learn about the soul until I make my judgements

eleven is to make my parents laugh and smile more than they have ever done last year

twelve is to be artistic, and wild, and crazy, more than usual

thirteenth, is to be myself, and not be afraid to do so, because being yourself is much better than trying to act like someone you don’t agree with

fourteenth is to keep my morals, and stay true to them, not for them, not for anyone but myself.

fifteenth is to take the first step to accept myself

sixteenth, as always is to keep every single promise I make, and only make promises that I know I can keep.

it's funny how these things work

its the second day of the new year, and I already don't like you. you never changed; at all, and you are still the stubborn bitch I've ever known in my whole life. Honestly. If you don't change, I don't want to know you anymore.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

I'll write my resolutions tomorrow.happy new year. be happy. live loud. and love, just love everything

Most amazing short film
love has no words

25 things about me

This was very hard for me to write. I am usually a hermit when it comes to talking about myself. I don't like talking about myself, it makes me feel conceited. so It was hard.

25 random things

1. You may think I’m happy, you may see that I’m smiling. Maybe that smile is for real, but my smiles are rare. So if you can make me smile. You deserve a gold star.

2. I have no sense of direction, I get lost all the time, and I’m so clumsy, I either deserve an Oscar, or there should be a drug to treat it.

3. I’m in love with Medicine.

4. I have a box of memoirs that I’ve had since grade 9.

5. Apparently according the psychology test I took in grade 11, I am an insane depressed bipolar introvert. How sad. Oh well. Better than being normal.

6. I love the thrill of doing something dangerous. Now if only my parents will let me free-climb...

7. Crazy is good for me.

8. I love acoustic music. love. Love. LOVE it. But I also like LOUD music.

9. I’m a vegetarian.

10. Autumn is beautiful. I want my wedding to be in autumn.

11. My lifelong goal is to be a superhero.

12. I have an in-depth thought about everything I do.

13. I daydream 24/7 so if I’m in my own little world, it’s not because you’re so boring that I zoned out. ..Okay maybe its cause you’re boring but I have an attention span of a small child. sue me.

14. The sky’s the limit, and next to the greens of nature, you can’t enjoy it without the sky. Whether it’s stars, planets, clouds, sunsets or sunrises; I’ll watch it with you.

15. yellow:):):)

16. I would do anything for my friends and family. No matter how long I’ve known you. If your liver was failing and we were a match; I would give you my liver.

17. I love vintage, antique, Victorian stuff. Never come with me to an antique, or a home decor store, you will have to drag me out.

18. I write.

19. Music, theatre, art and science is what I live for.

20. Paris and England....Europe<3
21. I’m a handful and too hard to handle. Deal with it.

22. I’m a pessimist to the core. I’m negative about everything. I try to lie and think positive. But the lie is written on my face. I found out within the first 18 years of my life that optimism is the biggest let-down in the whole entire universe and being realistic causes too much pain.

23. I’m weird and I’m random. And I like it.

24. My day’s goal is to make you smile :)

25.I love Harry Potter. It is something I'm obsessed about. I like Twilight too. maybe not as much. but it give hope of love, and its something the world needs to know; chivalry is not dead.

26. I love vampires and mystical fantasy creatures and I wish with my whole heart that they were real, and I have the faintest hope that they are. I've loved everything about vampires ever since I've read dracula when I was 15. <3

27. I’m not here to prove myself to you, I’m not going to change the way I am just because you don’t like it. Take it or leave it.

whoops i got carried away. maybe I am concieted

learning

12:00am rolled around the clock, and it was Christmas. The first person I thought was you. Last year, You were the first person I said Merry Christmas too. And It was just another Merry Christmas said your way, but you knew it meant more then that. This year I wanted to tell you Merry Christmas right when 12:00am rolled around, but I knew I couldn't. I had to physically force myself not to tell you Merry Christmas. I'm learning slowly. and that makes me happy.

Merry Christmas everyone. I love you all.
:)

christmas

i love christmas

back to the old life

I need people to stop lurking, and being nosy about people that they are not friends with anymore. because it's just plain ANNOYING. you guys are not friends anymore. you never were to begin with, so STOP WITH THE QUESTIONS!!! just because I am friends with you, I am not going to be your own personal spy. I am no longer in the middle of this. Don't you dare think that i still don't have a backbone. well guess what. I have a tiny tiny one, but It is mighty as hell, and I am not going to tell you shit all for all that I care. Stay out of each others lives, stay out of each others business. Stop asking me questions because I don't know if you are sick of it, but I sure am. I'm happy to see you both. Don't make me choose. because if you make me choose, I won't choose any of you. grow up. get a life. you're 18 now, so start acting like it

Oh by the way

I'm done with you. I did everything in my own will to be there for you. I've been there for you since day one. I've cared for you, pleaded for you, cried for you, loved you. And I get nothing in return. I;m glad we are still friends. but I can't get over the fact that you can trust me when You're with me, but now that its over I'm a complete stranger. It like the BEST thank you ever. Thank you so so so much. But do you konw what bothers me the most? Every single fibre in my body is screaming for me to let you go. Because you are not good enough for me. You and I don't have that spark that we were suppose to have. The lightbulb burnt out, and left us in the dark. And I know it. But why is it that every time I think of you, my heart jumps. Every fibre is screaming in unison except for that little spot in my heart, that is still loving you. I need to take you, and put you in a little box, and just put you away.

So you would think

so you would think being an insane person was bad enough. Actually really, it's not all that bad. Like you look things differently, you have a shorter fuse, you have crazy little outbursts of random energy, but it beats being normal right? Anyway back to my point. All my life I wanted to be in medicine. Like literally. All. My. Life. Music, Theatre, and Science is what I live for. My point. I'm already insane, I'm pessmistic to the very core, then I get thrown a Health Book to am told to read it for class. So I read it like a good little girl I am, because I'm interested and all that jazz. But now I have developed paranoia. Joy. 

so let`s live here in the future my love

run.

There are days like these where I want to run. Just run. Not knowing where I’m going to take myself, and not look back. Run until my lungs and my heart are pounding with protest, but still push on. Run where it is so cold that the air you breathe in burns your throat raw. But I still run. Run til I shake off everything. Every happy feeling, every angry feeling, every ounce of emotion in my entire soul until the only thing I’m thinking about is running. I want to feel free.

i think lady gaga is god.

a little comment to you,

you make me smile

lost of connection

I think orphanages are stupid. If you stop reading here, you will think I'm a low life, who thinks all the people in the orphanages are vermin.  But I don't think that. I think their are people who deserve a chance. But what i don't like is that they separate the brothers and sisters apart and want nothing to connect together. I think THAT is low, and that concept alone can be looked at as vermin. They are the only family they have left, and you want to separate them and not let them keep in touch? that is cruel. Yes, you are giving them a new life, but they will have to know somewhere down the line. That is a blood relative, and you can't leave them feeling alone in the world, because frankly, the world is a scary place.

and you say i need help? been there, done that. now its your turn

oh i have many many comebacks for you. i have many many many comebacks that I can say to you but i don’t. because i am not a basterd that would sink so low to say that to me. You are inconsiderate, and you are weak. you may think you are strong and macho with your martial arts and you are, i wouldn't doubt it  for one second and I applaud you for it but i do not applaud you for your attitude. you may be strong when it come to being there for me, and nice when we are talking about someone else. but when it comes to talking about you, you get defensive and weak. you turn the argument around to the opposing person and you start bashing them because you are afraid to have hear about yourself. i wouldn't have thought that you were that kind of person. the one that when in an arguement has nothing to say so they look for other things to say. STICK WITH THE SUBJECT. don't go bashing me about my career after you've been phrased me about it. I would NEVER do that to you. I was the first person to congratulate you after you got accepted into Sheridan. Who is the first person you go to about your problems? Me. So what if its just this one time that i am right. and you know i am or you wouldn't have gotten defensive. so next time you have the daring guts to cross that dangerous line to curse me about me and my future, make sure you know who exactly who you are talking to. the person who supported you all this time. yeah think about it. There are somethings that people say when they are mad, and there are things that people say that are the truth when they are angry; and thanks for letting me know how exactly you feel about me. I appreciate it, but i would've liked it better if you told me sooner so i didn't have to waste my time on you. you are a very good person, and you will go far in life, and i have nothing bad to say about you. but you didn't hurt me, you hurt my soul. if i was a person with a soilid self esteem i would be like " i dont care say what you want", but you KNOW that i don't. I've gone through shhit that no one in this family will EVER go through and it beat me up pretty well, so you knew that it would hit me hard. you are a horrible person, and i don't think i can ever forgive you for it. another thing, if you want respect, then you better give it before you receive it. because it doesn’t matter if you are older, if you don’t give her the respect she deserves then you do not deserve it back whatsoever.  next time you pick a something like this with me, think about why i was so mad. you didn't hurt her physically only. you hurt her emotionally, and you wouldnt care because she is your sister. but she is going through a tough age, and being made fun of and laughed at is not a really good route to take with her. oh you know why i was swearing? Because i didn’t expect it to come from you. see how amazingly good i thought about you? i did not expect it to come from you. but it did. and now i am disappointed.so very disappointed in you. i was shocked. i literally bite my tongue to stop myself from retorting things that would hurt you and i would regret 3 seconds after i said it. And that’s worst then anger oh and one more thing. you know the cousin that you always talk about talking about me and my career and how she should and how thats low and mean. well congratulations, you have finally sunk to her level. i applaud you for the second time and next time i see you i will give you a gold star and an A+ for convincing me so well that you thought otherwise.

"Nothing is permanent,not even death."

comprehension of feelings

I didn’t mean to fall this fast – no scratch that, I didn’t mean to fall at all. There was no intention in looking at him in any way but a friend. He entered my world, just like any normal person would enter it; with polite hellos, caring how-are-you’s and well-mannered goodbyes. So why is he so different? Why is it that he is standing in a different spotlight then everyone else? There was not magical spark, no fairytale love at first site. I didn’t expect anything but a nice and semi-developed friendship that started out by having a simple class together every Wednesdays and Fridays. First just talking in person, then talking on our phones with superficial monosyllable sentences that were empty with meaning and normal everyday conversation you would have with a stranger in a grocery store. But it developed into beautiful conversation; things with meanings, our dislikes, our likes, our families, our interests, his dreams, my dreams. And he was just so beautiful. He is a beautiful person. My feelings intensified; as if I was centered out of a crowd of a million underneath of a microscope. He is someone that i was falling for out of nowhere, and in such a short time, I can feel myself falling deeply in like of him. He captivates my heart, my mind, and my soul, and pulls the smile of laughter from deep within me, and everything I feel causes me to feel as if I am ready to explode. No one should feel this much at the same time. It’s 100% insane on how this could happen, for me to feel this way. For me to long for the days where i get to see him. Desperate for his company, longing to know his story and what comes next. Joy and pure bliss was never suppose to come hand in hand  with hurt and misery.  I love laughing at him, making fun at him. Staring at those deep thoughtful eyes as if I was drinking in a story that even he didn’t know. to have my heart swell like a balloon every time I open my phone and see his name come up as a incoming text, to secretly smile to myself when he asks me for a favour, or do a favour for him without him asking. The way he looks when he’s stressed, the way he makes me feel safe, the way he always has the perfect scruff.  Even moment I see him, I start to compare him to everyone around me, to everyone I have ever met in my life, to everyone that I have ever got my heart broken, and they don’t even come close to comparing to him. Perfect without being perfect; imperfect without a flaw.  I don’t think I ever wanted something to be mine so much in my life before, and that feeling is controlling our friendship. It depresses me when I should be happy, and causes me to breakdown when I should be at my strongest. I’m happy and scared all at the same time, and that kind of feeling can cause one to feel crazy inside. I want to know his story, and I want to know how it continues, and how it ends; but most of all, I want to be in it.

the wind in my hair,
the leaves pass my face and tickle my cheeks
pumpkins set out everywhere, which slowly turn to twinkling lights in trees and rooftops
the wind grows harsher, cutting my cheeks with frozen frostbite

ah, autumn has just come and is quickly fading away leaving winter.

Happy Birthday to Daddy!

wedding

Because I'm a geeek, and I'm just like every girl out there I planned out my wedding already
everything is going to be perfect. and It is going to be another addition to the best days of my life.
It could be anywheere as long as it has the following:
- the perfect white dress
- something blue
- yellow bridesmaid dresses
- either in the fall or spring ( fall more)
- orchids and a bunch  of flowers ( like I'm talking ALOT of flowers)
- yellow Belle reception dress
- and of course the man I'm marrying duh
<3 ♥

you're not sorry

All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around
I’ve been giving out chances everytime and all you do is let me down
And its taking me this long but baby I figured you out
And you think it will be fine again but not this time around

You don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no more, no more, no

Lookin’ so
I might believe you if I didn’t know
Could’a loved you all my life
If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I’m tired of being last to know
And now you’re asking me to listen
Cuz its worked each time before

You had me crying for you honey
And it never would’ve gone away no
You use to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There’s nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before

<3

I'm fearless

creepers

Today, I had lunch with the ladies! Went to kings, and had an amazing time. We pretended that it was Meghan's Birthday and we got a hat, and picture, and everything. It was awesome. Then we went to the library to "study" and we were just starting to study, when out of nowhere, an old man comes and takes off his hat, and starts talking to us and he was saying all these things about Israel, and such and such. And he called Katy Tom Sawyer, and Meghan Huckleberry Finn. We were all laughing, and he was saying how I was a Japanese fighter jet, and it started to get annoying because he kept trying to talk to us. Then the librarian came over and was like "is this man bothering you? you know you have full authority to say anything that is appropriate to him" then she went to the old man and was like " you are NOT allowed to talk to these girls while their trying to study. They think you are a dirty old man, and I know you are not but you talking to them is making you look like a dirty old man."

it was so funny.

stop

I've gotta stop posting these ridiculous sad blogs! I swear world, that I am not a sad person. I'm actually a happy person, that happens to have sad things done to. But I swear minus the minor (or major) sad parts, I am truly a happy person. Maybe not the happiest go-lucky person in the world, but I am happy. I laugh a whole lot. Its just that everyone is happy. And there isn't a reason to be. The only reason all you read are sad depressing blogs, is because its bothering me, and I need to share it with someone.And that someone is you. Thank you for putting up with my sad depressing blogs. Hey, all you have to do is picture me laughing, and you'll be fine
--love

paitience

I came to an epiphany today. Just randomly, I was thinking, and it just hit me; like a ton of bricks, and I was literally like "Oh. My. Goodness. Why didn't I have this epiphany before?" Like maybe a 11 months ago, when I was trying to force myself into Justin's life. My epiphany is to be patient. Yes I said that I am done with chasing, but the key is to be patient. Because if you wait patiently, sure enough, it will come bounding when you least expect it.  It's hard, but its a new thing I'm trying. Hope it works!

thankful for greys

and it dawns on me

that you know you are lonely, when it is 2:49 am
and you are just sitting here blogging.
nothing to do
     noone to talk to
           no one to love you
                  no one to laugh with
                          no one to cry with
                                no one to watch a movie with
                                       no one to lie here with

                                                                                                       no one.

 just you

all alone

with a laptop

blogging

                                       wow.

Happy Thanksgiving!

P.S. Go to Tim Hortons, and ask for a Medium Hot Chocolate with a single Green Tea teabag;  just do it. Don't ask questions, just go. :)

build up

I should have never waited until the last minute. I could've had a semi nice weekend. But no. I'm going to be spending my thanksgiving weekend doing assignments, readings 3 chapters in all of my courses and taking notes, rewriting all my notes which I promised myself that I was going to do in September and it is now October. On top of that, I have 2 amazing midterms this coming week that I have to study for. Doesn't that sound like an amazing weekend? Maybe its a good thing my brother didn't come home this weekend. I wouldn't be able to do anything. Ugh someone save me!

I miss you.

i love her

chase

I'm sick of chasing. Because chasing leaves you nothing but broken. For once in my life, I want to feel special, I want to feel worth while, I want to be chased. I want to be the one you have to fight for, to go the limits to make me smile. I want you to be the one that does everything, just to show how grateful you are to have me. I want you to fight for me. To run after me when I leave. So I'm done. If you want me, then you better start now. Run to me. Stop me. Let me run away. And chase after me.

pressure

The pressure is on. Medical Schools around Ontario are cutting their numbers for the admissions for 2010. Meaning that its going to be harder, and tougher to get in.
The pressure is on; and do you know what I have to say to pressure?

I say bring it.

habits

When they say that old habits die hard; they actually mean it.
Yes, I have tried to stop biting my nails, and it was like insane fidgeting; so why on earth didn't I see this coming? It's not that I don't want to talk to you, but I love it; way too much, then I should. You and I are like made to be friends. When I talk to you, I feel the world lift off my shoulders for those seconds that we are talking. And I know I shouldn't feel that, It's not allowed anymore. Old habits die hard, and I don't think this habit will die. But on earth would you pick September 22 to talk to me again? Why did you choose the day, where 365 days ago, we were walking alongside each other at 10 o'clock at night just talking and laughing. Where we were just so happy, and . Was it coincident? Or was it on purpose?

rain rain go away

I love the rain, but not on Monday mornings. Mondays are so blah. Mondays are the days where you are so tired because the weekend was just yesterday, and you still want it to be the weekend. Tuesday is a better day then Monday, you are starting to get some energy. Wednesday is long days because you don't ever think the weekend is EVER going to come. Thursday is when you loose all your energy and is ready for the weekend. And Friday? there is no energy. You just drag yourself through the day because you know that tomorrow you get to sleep in. The process repeats itself over and over again.

wow, I sound so lazy when I say that. I know I'm trying out this time manageable thing, where I'm not procrastinating anymore. Hopefully it works. I really want to do good in school. And I sound like a big tool when I say that, but its true.

procrastination, laziness, boredom, and an attention span of a small child

so I have readings I have to do in Psychology, and I promised myself that I would get it done within last week. WRONG. I did not get it done, and now I am swamps. Hooray for me!!! I have to read 79 pages, and I am on page 18. I've read 10 pages since 1:30. That is really slow. It's not that it's boring - okay it is kinda boring -  the stuff is actually pretty interesting, but I'm just so lazy. I promised myself that I would be very responsible when I get to University, and I can feel the old habits kicking in. And I must fight the urges to fall back into them, and it really isn't helping that I am blogging is it? UGH my attention diverts so quickly, the littlest things distract me. OKAY new rule, if I don't finish, then I can't watch my shows. okay ONWARD WITH THE READINGS!
tata!

happiness? I think not.

Just came back from a shower. And I realized something; I'm not singing in the shower anymore. That weirded me out. I guess I was just so caught up in my thoughts, that I was just silent. Thinking is what I am really afraid of these days. I try to preoccupy myself, so I don't think, but whenever I have the little moment to spare, thoughts just flood in like the air pushing its way out of a punctured balloon. Then I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about the fact where I can never be truly happy. Look how happy I was in my latest blogs. I thought that this was it, yeah I'm so happy. But no, I have to go and it up. Which is not a new thing for, I pretty much up every relationship. This time was different though. I just completely stop liking him. Just one day, I literally woke up and had zero feelings for him. It was the most bizarre feeling ever. I guess the fact that it was a spur of the moment, and I was still heartbroken. I don't want to think of him as a rebound guy, but he was just too, happy. Gosh, I sound so stupid when I say that, but hear me out. He smiled when I was crying, yes that's right. He never asked if I was okay, all he said was to stop crying and I was being silly. All he did was joke, and it was NEVER serious with him. All he did was bury his emotions deep inside of him. Yes, I loved his jokes, but I can't love a clown. I can't stand being the sad all the time, and he made it worst by laughing all the time. He's a great guy, a great friend, but he just wasn't for me.  It was my heart that guided me to him, and it was my heart that guided itself out. I did open my eyes to a beautiful world, so I will thank him for that one day. Geez Victoria, why can't you be happy anymore? That is a question I've been wondering for the last 5 years. And I am nowhere near the answer.

SNSD and apples

So it's 10:37pm at night, and it is i am tired. The main reason I am tired, is because I am So. God. Damn. Bored. There is nothing to do ever since my brother went back to Ottawa for his 4th and final year at Carleton University. And I can barely talk to him during the week because of the course load, and I'm still trying to fit and schedule everything in, so I have time for everything. I have absolutely nothing to write about, in an pretty artistic way, so this is just going to be a normal blog, which I promise myself that I will do once in a while. I sound so desperate when I'm just talking about love all the time. But its such a beautiful concept that I just can't seem to grasp yet; so sue me. Today, my parents and I went to the Apple Fest in Georgetown ( a little cute town with old beautiful buildings near my University) and it was actually pretty neat. It was literally like flea market, but of course I didn't buy anything. I already spent so much money over the course of the last month. On school, on transportation ( damn rancid ministry of transportation), on my new room, on gas ( which is double because of the strike), on my books ( which cost 400 dollars), and food, and so on. Money is like running out of my pockets- well my parents' pockets- and I don't even have a job. I don't know if I should get a job or not because I MIGHT be moving into a room near my school, so if i get a job in Cambridge, I'm totally screwed if i get a room. So i don't know. I'm listening to 's Generation non stop. They are just so cute, and beautiful, and their songs are catchy. I miss my long hair. Oh well its hair, it will grow back. Well that was a boring blog. Sorry!!!!

It's me, not you. For once in my life, I can actually say it, and be telling the truth. It's all my fault. I made stupid promises that I knew i couldn't keep, and now I'm in deeper trouble than I expected. I feel so guilty that I had to put you through this, and I feel rotten, and lousy, and sorry, and I feel like such a bad person. Maybe I am a bad person? I didn't mean to make you fall completely in love with me, than leave and go around like nothing happened. I just can't do this. I thought I could. I thought I could go on liking you and living life here; but I can't. I barely know you to actually decide how I feel about you. And it makes me feel so lousy how because of you, I wrote such beautiful things, and now it feels like a lie staring me right in the face. I'm sorry, I really am. I never wanted it to be like this. I hope you forgive me one day. or maybe never; I deserve that much.

and it is bubbling in my stomach, like vinegar and sodium.
i feel it crawling slowly up my throat
now it is in my mouth
my teeth are wretched together so it can't escape
 no idea what it is, but i keep my mouth shut anyways
but it keeps pressing
it hurts to keep shut
painful
so i let go
set free the bubbling monster.
out of my mouth comes a unique sound.
high pitch crystal bells
different
i was scared for nothing
minutes go by
and i am slowly learning again what this sound is
thoughts rewind
memories flood in
the sound is laughter.
i am laughing.
laughing for the first time in a long time
real laughter.
the gut wretching laughter.
the tear streaking laughter.
the air gasping laughter.
painful.
call me masochistic
but i love this feeling
laughter
i love the feeling of laughter.

torn

i hate how you are so far from me.

freak of nature

and it just seems so surreal if it is thought back on now.
I`ve seen countless of rainbows before in my life, but it always seem to fade off in the distance.
But this shone in the sky for several beautiful minutes smiling down on us.
and it just seems so coincidental how it shone on the day, the exact same moment when we visited the Temple where my Grandfather spent most of his days, using his artistic thoughts to paint beautiful pictures, recite deep poetry, or simply write to his hearts content.

That rainbow had no end, or no beginning, but i knew where my pot of gold was.

live

the secret depth and meaning of things worth while
all there is to know is that there is no one on earth that wishes to be alone
because lonely is so lonely alone.
don`t be afraid to take chances
and leap over the crystal blue ocean and land gently on that soft musk silver lining.
the lining of a beautiful thing called hope.
untangle your confusion by letting the wind fly pass you and hopefully you are caught in it.

live.

the reasons why everyone hates you.

No matter where I go in life, or what I do in it, why is it that you are ALWAYS still in it? I hate you. I hate every little thing about you; down to the last single fibre of your DNA. You always find a way to snuggle up beside me and try to tell everyone lies so they will hate me. Well, earth to miss bitch; you are ruining everyone else’s. I hate, HATE sitting on the side lines watching you try and tear apart someone’s perfect relationship just because you can’t have what you want. Well LIFE’S NOT FAIR IS IT?! No it’s not, you can’t always get what you want, and frankly you obviously, DEFINITELY don’t deserve it! I don’t know what you have in your mind; maybe you were born with it, or something over time, but you have something in your head, that if you treat someone badly, they’re going to want you more. Sorry sweetie, but that’s not playing hard to get, that’s being a bitch; sorry that you’re the last to know but it’s true. I remember years back I told you to flirt but PRETEND to hate them, and poke fun at them a little just to get them to chase you. NO WHERE did I tell you to push them always, tell them that you ruined your life, and then tell them you walked all over them. I wish I could show the world who you really are; a stone cold, self-centered BITCH who doesn’t give a SHIT about any other person’s feelings besides your own. So go ahead, go prancing around town implanting little lies in everyone’s head about what I potentionally did to you. Because whatever you said I did, no matter how bad it is; I don’t regret it AT ALL. Because at the end of the day if they are ever going to meet me; if I even want to associate myself with your vermin, they’re going to compare your story back to the REAL me and think back the the person you are. it’s funny, it’s been 4 years, and you still can’t let go at the fact that I’m the person you are scared of the most because I know all of your secrets, all of your weaknesses, and I know the real you to the point where you have no choice but to hate me. What a silly reason to hate me isn’t it darling? We used to be BEST friends don’t you remember? What happened? Oh right I remember. you used me, shot me down, told me that I was useless good for nothing whore that bullied you, walked all over you. Hmm let’s think about every single LIE that came out of your mouth. Let me get the fucking story straight for you, who was the one that was going through the hardest part of her life, and was so close to the edge she thought she was going to literally tumble over the edge? Me. who was it that found some real friends and started to recollect herself little by little? Me. who was jealous, and was scared about losing the only person who would stand by your side? You. Who LIED to everyone saying that you were WORSE than me, and said that if your life wasn’t better by the time you were 16, you were going to kill yourself when really, you are terrified of death. When really the whole concept of suicide was a big fat joke to you. YOU. Who wanted all the attention, and got it by scaring everyone? YOU. Who was concerned about you and told the counsellor that you wanted to kill yourself, but it was a lie so you were so scared you told them that it I was the one who said it and got me in trouble with everything you were suppose to go through. YOU. who after that incident acted as nothing happened and acted like my best friend? YOU. who two days AFTER that told me that i walk all over you? YOU. Whose parents thought they were good for nothing, and failures. MINE. Whose parents sobbed when they thought I hated them? MINE. Who went through months, and years of counselling, coming out more insane to begin with? ME. So if anyone should have a reason to hate you, who should it be? me. And I do, but I feel sorry for you more. I feel sorry for the person you become, or the person you always were. Because you are going to get NOWHERE in life. So go sulk by yourself. Stop trying to pull everyone down with you. Get completely out of my life because my life is SO MUCH BETTER, and so much HAPPIER without you in it in any way shape or form. And most definitely stop fucking messing up my best friends relationship because unlike you; she’s happy with what she has.

walls

I have always wondered why every single person I fall deeply for, I always say the same thing; “I have never felt this way before.” And it feels like every time I say it, I feel like I'm repeating myself, like I’m lying to myself. But I was watching this movie tonight, when the female character says "You can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful specific details," and it just hit me; because it was true. No one can ever be replaced because everyone is different. I really did never feel the way I did with anyone I fell for that I did with that person. It was just the matter of HOW much I felt with them. I know I haven't been completely in love with every single person I fell for. But there were one or two where I did feel a little bit more. But I’ve been hurt to the point where now I EXPECT it to happen, so I’m always bracing myself, and keeping my heart locked up inside of me. I never truly loved anybody fully because of it. I have always had a foot of the ground balancing myself to keep from falling. And I always know what I’m getting into before I get into it so I don’t lose myself. I build walls and poke my head out once in a while to either get my heart stolen, or broken. I don’t know what it’s like to fall completely in love. The encounters where I thought I have, never really mutual; he never did feel the way I felt for him, so yes I did love him, but it wasn’t love. I don’t know what it’s like to be crazy in love; to take risks for love; to do utterly ridiculous stupid things with someone, and laugh about it; to argue over something so small, you forget about what you are arguing about. I don’t even know what it’s like to stand in one spot, lay in one spot, sit in one spot, and just get held, or hold someone like there was no tomorrow and there was never a yesterday. I find that love is a complicated, confusing subject, but it is also the most beautiful concept and I believe in it with everything that I have. But I am ing terrified of it. I’ve been screwed over so many times to the point where I don’t think I have one romantic bone in my body. Yes I can write about love, the heart that swells with happiness when one encounters it. Yes, I can watch movies and ache over the loss of the other persons love; but shove me in front of real- experience love, and I close up like a clam. Because I know what to expect; they’re going to “woo” me in any way they can, and if they know that I’m feeling something just the slightest bit, they’re going to fuck me over. Because they don’t like obstacles, they don’t like complications. It’s like their own personal game to make them feel all high and mighty. I have been losing my romantic side with every second, that I think to myself by the time I turn 20, I’m going to turn into some cold heartless depressed bitch that can never love because she is afraid to let anyone close to her. so no, I never been in love before; no I don’t know what it’s like to be loved; no I have never let anyone close enough to my walls to even try to win me over. But then I met you, and I think to myself, don’t feel because he’s just going come and go just like the last guy. But you’re not leaving. You are forcing yourself past my obstacles, your edging closer to the walls I took 6 years to build, and I don’t know what to do. And to be frank and completely honest; I’m terrified.

dear "best" friend

what is the true meaning of friends? because i would really like to know.
i thought i have surpassed this kind of question, just like i thought i found true real friends. but the moment their life kicks in, they forget about everyone else. its like i'm the last resort to a good time, or i'm the last person that you call, AFTER when everyone else cancels. and i am throughly sick of it. you have always been first in my books, i have always been there for you first, and been there till the end, and i get treated like this? not even a single "hello how's your day?" or "how was your trip?" no its always ME having to initiate the conversation with YOU. and everytime i do its always like "hey how are you?" "good" or "hey i miss you how's your summer?" "it's fun" okay fine, if you don't want to be my friend then just tell me, because i'm sick of sitting here waiting around for you. first you expect something for my birthday, then you totally forget about mine. then you are all nice to me so i will do something for you and when i don't you totally turn into a (mind my lanuage) bitch! you talk behind my back, and keep things from me but expect me to tell you everything. what kind of friend are you? where is my best friend? remember how close we were, what happened? i know, your head inflated, and you just think you are SO good all the time. you are never supporting me, or helping me, or listening to you unless you have something to make fun of me with. you prance around the room like your all that, and frankly i am the only one who can stand you. i can't believe you actually got MAD at me because i couldn't go to hang out with you because i was in the middle of my studies. and had the guts to say "it's not all about school, you have to live" well miss "it's-all-about-me" in order to life, i have to have an education. have you ever heard of the saying work now play later. well i'll do that and you play now and work later and see who gets farther. you are never happy for me. like honestly NEVER. i tell you that i'm going on a huge trip and your comment is "oh, that's cool, it's about time" EXCUSE me if i am not a spoiled brat like you are! i'm sorry i have to work for what i deserve, not get everything handed to me on a solid gold platter encrusted with diamonds. well it was big to me, and you have to go and ruin my bubble. so "best" friend if your done being like this call me up because i'm sick and tired of hanging around. i'm done.

Summer '09

i want to feel the wind in my hair as i'm zooming down the long bumpy uneven path.
i want to know that there is always something to do, something to eat at what ever time it is.
i want to be scared to cross the roads
i want to walk down the roads in the morning and see trees and landscape
i want to walk down the roads at night and be blinded by the colourful lights
i want to take retarded pictures with amazing retarded backgrounds
i want to be able to breathe in the fresh salt water air
and i want to be able to swim in it.
i want pick every pretty shell i see
and get knocked over by the overpowering waves
i want to have dirt fights
i want to lose my legs in mud.
i want to stay up late talking about love life, and everything in between
i want to eat ice cream anytime i want
i want to take risks and not be afraid of the consequences
i want to look for love, find it, and treasure it.
i want back to Vietnam.

brother for sale

anyone want a brother? because i will give you one for a small price of FREE.
i love my brother, but these days hes driving me so up the wall that i honestly want to strangle him with my bare hands. i can't deal with him anymore. hes not the typical brother. hes annoying as hell, he's immature, and he's a rat.

so anyone want him?

living.

i closed my eyes, and shut my thoughts. those eyes that see the cruelty of the world, that haunt my thoughts. the thoughts that think pessimistically, and give endless nights of nightmares. i shut them away, and i try to feel my body, i try to breathe, but like always i feel nothing. i try, i use all the little hope i have left, and try. i try to let my heart guide for once. guide without thinking, without any guides, any judgements; just guide. i try to dissolve all the fear of getting torn, of getting shattered because i am still not fully repaired; but i was willing to take that risk. and suddenly i am falling. i don't know if this is the right feeling, but all i know is that i am falling. down, down and deeper down. i am falling head first. then it hits me so unexpectedly in the chest, that i swore i was going to explode and shatter right then and there. my face hurts, my eyes hurt, everything hurts. everything is numb.

then out of nothingness.

i can feel. the tingling feelings are coming back bit by bit. first the toes, then the knees, the hips, the fingertips, my lips, my eyes. i can feel my hair against my cool skin. and finally the tingling feeling returns to my chest. i can breathe. a weird feeling, but it feels so easy to do. inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. every single breathe taken is a different taste. sweet, bitter, bittersweet. the feeling of my eyes, peel back the filter hiding the world from my eyes; the real world. the world with surreal colours, magical blends. the world where everywhere you look there is sadness, but there is also happiness. where there are nightmares, there are sweet dreams. where there is crying, there is always laughter. where there is war. there is peace. where there is , in some small shape or form, there is always love. and with love it comes hope. and i can finally see that. i am learning slowly with the new advantages that are given to me, i am learning to smile.

and i know in my heart that if this is the way you make me feel, then i want to keep you forever.
because for the first time in a long time, i am living.

"you're not pushing me to wait for you. Let's me promise you something. From today until 5 years from now, I will work my hardest, and you shall work on your schooling. And when you come back to me, and we still love each other, do you agree on being my girlfriend?"

you are definately someone I want to keep <3

I've never gone with the wind
Just let it flow
Let it take me where it wants to go
Til' you opened the door
And there's so much more
I'd never seen it before
I was tryin' to fly but I couldn't find wings
But you came along and changed everything

You lift my feet off the ground
You spin me around
You make me crazier crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I
I'm lost in your eyes
You make me Crazier Crazier Crazier

I watched from a distance as you
Made life your own
Every sky was your own kind of blue
And I wanted to know how that would feel
And you made it so real
You showed me something that I couldn't see
You opened my eyes and you made me believe

You lift my my feet off the ground
You spin me around
You make me crazier crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I
I'm lost in your eyes
You make me crazier crazier crazier

Ohhhh

Baby you showed me what livin' is for
I don't wanna hide anymore
Oh Ohh

You lift my feet off the ground
You spin me around
You make me crazier crazier
Feels like I'm fallin and I
I'm lost in your eyes
You make me crazier crazier crazier
Crazier Crazier