happiness? I think not.

Just came back from a shower. And I realized something; I'm not singing in the shower anymore. That weirded me out. I guess I was just so caught up in my thoughts, that I was just silent. Thinking is what I am really afraid of these days. I try to preoccupy myself, so I don't think, but whenever I have the little moment to spare, thoughts just flood in like the air pushing its way out of a punctured balloon. Then I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about the fact where I can never be truly happy. Look how happy I was in my latest blogs. I thought that this was it, yeah I'm so happy. But no, I have to go and it up. Which is not a new thing for, I pretty much up every relationship. This time was different though. I just completely stop liking him. Just one day, I literally woke up and had zero feelings for him. It was the most bizarre feeling ever. I guess the fact that it was a spur of the moment, and I was still heartbroken. I don't want to think of him as a rebound guy, but he was just too, happy. Gosh, I sound so stupid when I say that, but hear me out. He smiled when I was crying, yes that's right. He never asked if I was okay, all he said was to stop crying and I was being silly. All he did was joke, and it was NEVER serious with him. All he did was bury his emotions deep inside of him. Yes, I loved his jokes, but I can't love a clown. I can't stand being the sad all the time, and he made it worst by laughing all the time. He's a great guy, a great friend, but he just wasn't for me.  It was my heart that guided me to him, and it was my heart that guided itself out. I did open my eyes to a beautiful world, so I will thank him for that one day. Geez Victoria, why can't you be happy anymore? That is a question I've been wondering for the last 5 years. And I am nowhere near the answer.