how to love a pessimist

There are many things to a pessimist. For one thing, they are probably the saddest, angriest people you will ever meet in your life. They will always be a downer, and there remarks will either lead to an argument or an awkward silence. But they can’t help it, so instead of trying to turn them, live with it.

Befriend them, no matter how much your worlds collide.

Tell them everything is going to be okay no matter what the negative thoughts brewing in their mind is saying.

Make them shake with laughter. Everyone loves to laugh; even pessimists.

Write them the happiest song, in the saddest tune.

Have little arguments, which will end ambiguously.

Hold them when they cry, even if they try to force you away. Hold them silently and let them blame themselves. Hold them even if they blame you.

Tell them that no matter what happens in life, you will always be there no matter how many walls they put up, because you will stand firm wishing them away.

Tell them at the end of the day, no matter what they say, no matter what kind of downer remark they say, no matter how much you argue, no matter how much they hate the world that it is okay to, because they can’t help it

; Just like you can’t help falling in love with them.

time

it's time to forget all the grudges you held
it's time to love unconditionally
its time to laugh at all the meaningless things
it's time to take it by the reins and pull back when you've gone too far
it's time to cry joyfully, and laugh in sorrow
it's time to not be confused and know whats what.
it's time to unclench that hand you've been holding for support
it's time to allow the walls to fall, and face the world courageously
it's time to learn how to bit back your tongue
it's time to learn that fighting fire with fire creates nothing but fire.
its time to bring the dreams you've been dreaming and make it reality
it's time to say what's on your mind.
it's time to leave all your secrets behind
it's time to be no one but yourself
it's time to not run away from your fears but run towards them

its time to live without any regrets

blank

i sit here and i stare at the blank page
hoping that if i stare at it long enough, i would know what to write
my thoughts come up with nothing.

write yourself.
fill these lines with cursive writing, with haunting pictures, beautiful memories
anything, say anything, draw anything
any little hint on the way i feel.
draw a picture
write a word.
anything.
but it does nothing.
it stays blank, a neatly blue ruled sheet of paper.

but i still sit here, and stare at the blank page
hoping that if i stare at it long enough, it would show my emotions.
and it finally does.
i feel nothing. nothing at all.

lost

and i could have stayed lost in your eyes
forever.

but i was forced to be found

you looked away.

good old days

it's days like these where your doing nothing at all, when you start to think about the "good old days". then your start to miss those "good old days" then you start to think how much you would give up just to be back there, and stay there forever. but you can't. its nothing more then a fading memory. nothing more then something you love so much. and its gone.

been there done that; gone.

it's the days like these when your heart aches so bad, you just want to rip it out, because it hurts so much. a heart is a heart. its nothing more then a organ that pumps blood to your body. so why is it when you miss someone immensely, it starts to hurt? i can feel it, and it hurts.

ba bump ba bump

it's the days like these where your missing the "good old days" so much you can't do nothing but stay put and be. and just think. nothing you can do. nothing i can do..

been there done that. i want to go back.

(i miss camp:(:(:( )

and the truth is told

to me, true love is the sweetest thing in life. That's why we're all either in love or looking for love. Sometimes you have to work for it - especially when life gets in the way - but i believe true, deep love is always worth fighting for.

i'll take it

i know my place in your world for now.
and it is a friend.

don't worry about a thing.
i will be the most faithful friend you ever laid eyes on

it's a bittersweet ending

i didn't know it was going to feel this way. i honestly thought that it would be much happier. Just a few days ago, we were so happy to leave, because we were finally done. But now, once we were put in the situation; honestly, i don't know how to feel, i still don't know how to feel.

there i felt at home, every single morning i would go to the same place and see the same people i shared amazing memories with. i knew everyone, i was close with half the teachers.

and now i'm done. i will never ever have that opportunity to be in a place where i know 95% of the people there, and i must say, it is kind og frightening.

i had no idea, how much a teacher could affect me. But i thinking saying goodbye to him with a straight pokerface was impossible.

i had no idea that no matter how secure i am on the fact i will see my 6 best friends after high school, i will never be in the same class as them...ever again. my best friend won't even be in the same province as me!

its very bittersweet, and it is very hard to soak in the fact, that its over, and its time to move on. I don't know whether to jump for joy, or cry for sadness.

yes, it is very bittersweet

let it be?

i understand where you're coming from. you hate it here, and i do too, and expressing the feeling of hate is okay. but when you go and say something like, i never want to see anyone after highschool. i'm not going to talk to anyone when im done, i'm just going to disappear.

thank you. thank you so much for having so much care for me when you say that.

i feel the same. i can't stand it here, i want out. but i still want to see you, and all of my best friends. and here you are bashing me in front of my very face. i've done nothing to you. but i promise you, if you really dont put an effort in seeing me next year, then its going to be painful for me to let you go. because i'm going to go 100 percent against what my heart feels.

ha

i don't know why i keep telling myself that its all going to work out in the end. I'm and such a failure i don't deserve to call myself a stupid depressed pessimist. like i am a disgrace. i don't know why i have the will to stir up all of this hope.

please

please erase the memories of being heartbroken.
take away the hurt i feel.
take away everything but the friendship and care we have for each other
for i would defend it with my life.

a little scene of a boy and a girl

so i was bored, and wrote a little scene. it's longer but i don't want anyone to steal it haha.

Veronica: what if i told you i hated you?
Jason: then i'll kiss you and tell you i love you.
Veronica: you wouldn't
Jason: try me
Veronica: Jason Gordon Mitchell, i hate you
Jason (kisses her): I love you
Veronica is lost for words
Silence
Veronica: I lied.
Jason: I didn't

ugh...

i don't think i'll be able to wake up at 7 o'clock in the morning on a saturaday to wash cars. my arms feel like jelly

seven reasons why i am a stupid dumbass

1) i let you slip through my hands and i let you forget about me and fall for a who lives 1887.8 km away

2)how you were making me so happy and how you can easily take it all away. how you have that power and how i gave you that power

3)how you couldn't admit that you liked me.

4)for letting you know me the most

5)for caring more for you then anyone should care for one person.

6)for not seeing this coming

7)for thinking that it couldn't get any worse

all for love

Slipping through the hole where the moon don't shine
Spent too long trying to make you mine
Kept on running but I fell behind
Butterfly better fly away this time

Lost my place in the line again
Put it back on the shelf and let the dust settle in
I always thought we'd that be more than friends
I always thought that we were different

Ohhhhoohh
Ohhhhoohh

I'm all for love
But I can't see the light
Tell me how to do it
Tell me how I'm gonna get it right
I'm all for love
I'm gonna try it again
I don't wanna give up
Cause I'm all for love

Nobody knows where the hell I've been
Gonna make a fool of myself again
Keep on getting stuck up in the same old scene
Baby why'd you have to go and be so mean

Ohhhhoohh
Ohhhhoohh

I'm all for love
But I can't see the light
Tell me how to do it
Tell me how I'm gonna get it right
I'm all for love
And I'm trying again
I don't wanna give up
Cause I'm all for love

I don't believe in praying on your knees
Just let me leave I'm over the fantasy

I'm all for love
But I can't see the light
Tell me how to do it
Tell me how I'm gonna get it right
I'm all for love
And I'm trying again
I don't wanna give up
I don't wanna give in
But I can't see the light
Tell me how to do it
Tell me how I'm gonna get it right
I'm all for love
And I'm trying again
I don't wanna give up
Cause I'm all for love

another boring day.

happy "victoria day" everyone. even though her birthday is on the 24th.
i am very bored. it's the same old day. the days where i have to keep myself busy so i won't think. so far it's not working.

a picture is worth a thousand words.

Something's wrong

so i got into university.. but it's not what i wanted. i don't want to be far away. it's too far away for me. I'll get heartsick. i don't think i can live one hour away. i can't because i know for a fact that i'm scared. I'm scared to lose him to some beautiful , some amazing that he's going to fall in love with. i'm scared that he won't want to know my anymore.

i'm so afraid

ignorance

And all hope is gone. Vanished into thin air, but I’m not sure how to feel. I don’t feel happy or sad or angry. I think this is an emotion of acceptance. That “waking up and smell the coffee”. Oh I smelt the coffee alright. It’s sweet, yet bitter; it’s bittersweet. All those memories are finally locked in the back of my heart. They refuse to come out, because for so long they have been trying to tell me, what’s in the past cannot be brought to the present. But yet I tried. Every single waking moment, every single beat of a heart, an inhaled and exhaled breath, a blink of an eye, I tried. But my effort was obviously not good enough. But I tried my best, what more can I ask for? I was naive and I am ignorant. I cared too much, and I still do and that is my biggest weakness. I don’t know how to react to things like this. I was never put in this situation nor did I plan on it. But now I know, so I am not that ignorant anymore. You learn something new everyday, and I learned this: That I should live every moment the way it is and if you have that slight nerve to do something; do it. Because it’s not worth it living off of what could have been or what should have been. See? I’m learning each and every day. I’ve been writing a lot lately. Little stupid things like this one. Stringing together words that no one would probably read, but I do it anyways. I’m in a great mood thank you very much for asking. I’m ecstatic. I learned from the weeks i trek walking behind you, hoping you would turn around and even look at me is a person in a state of hope; a person who is borderline insane. I learned that the ignorance I carried on my shoulders, is now hanging from my arms. I’m still attached. I can’t help it. Out of all the experienced I witnessed and witnessed myself, I learned that you can’t choose. It just happens, out of thin air, you are hooked, and you can’t say when you are finally released. Would it be stupid to say that I love you? Yes, yes it would, another naive feeling. It’s funny, when I first started writing this, I was writing my way out, grabbing you away from my heart and throwing you out. But now that I finished, I’m right where i began; running around in hopeless circles.

i feel it again

I'm floating on my own personal cloud at the moment. happiness, my own high. did i ever tell you how much i love you. and how much i love your company? and how much electricity runs through my body when ever we touch? it's like getting hit with a defibrillator over and over and over again. instead, you stop my heart.

but yet my love, i don't get what you are trying to tell me? the mixed signals i get from you are too much for this soul to handle. this broken soul has got too much.
you could've picked any piece of music to let me listen to, but you go and play something, and as a i wait for the music to begin to play the words

"Sunshine,I'd really like to tell you, oh my sunshine"

i think to myself" okay its just a song, it means nothing.
then you change the song

"Why can't you find a way, won't you find a way back to these arms, this is our day won't you find a way back to these arms"

of course it means nothing, because i was the one that is wishing for him to find his way back to me. it just didn't make any sense

then you have to go and and play this song that probably did not mean anything, but i love you too much, i like to hurt myself by making myself a false happiness
but how could it get any real, when you look at me in the eyes like that. look me in the eyes and walk away and let me listen to a song that stops my heart. listen to the words that are only real in my dreams

"Have I Told You Lately that I love you? Have I told you there's no one else above you? Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do. For the morning sun in all it's glory, Meets the day with hope and comfort too, You fill my life with laughter, somehow you make it better, Ease my troubles, that's what you do. There's a love less defined,
And it's yours and it's mine, Like the sun. And at the end of the day, We should give thanks and pray, To The One, to The One. Have I Told You Lately that I love you? Have I told you there's no one else above you? Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
There's a love less defined, And its yours and its mine, Like the sun. And at the end of the day, We should give thanks and pray, To The One, to The One. Have I Told You Lately That I Love you? Have I told you there's no one else above you? Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do. Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do. Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do."

no, no you haven't told me lately.
i love you..

when it all comes back again

i miss you incredibly.
so much more everyday..

i hate memories.
especially when they come back over and over again
to haunt you of what you long for

but what you can't have

Immaturity

i like to rant, you everyone knows it. everyone who has followed my blog, or has skimmed passed it will know i like to rant. why? because i have a lot to say. why? because i am a magnet for immature people. and it's not like all my friends are immature. i have this one friend. let's call her Alexandra, who is probably the most immature person in the world. we met way back and she was fine. well i guess i was immature back then too. but i grew up. I'm over being that little immature who gets in fights everyday and kiss and make up the next. so Alex and i have stuck it through all these years, and she never grew up. like seriously, she has a mind of a 3 year old. shes rude, she has no manners, she has major paranoia, shes incompetent, and she uses people as a crutch way way too much.
so theres this other let's name her um Monica. she's my best friend. and she did nothing to Alex. and i promise you i am not being biased, because I've been friends with both of them. she did nothing, and yet Alex is doing gestures behind her back, muttering under her breath, and taking behind her back. like honestly come on! we are 18 years old and we are still going through this? 18! we're adults! and yet we will stoop to thats level where we are doing gestures?
so i get mad one day, because everything alex does, i'm the stupid lucky one that is close enough to see, and i hear everything. not wanting to start any , i hold it in. a person can only hold it in for so long correct? so i slip through the cracks, and i'm really starting to break, so she pushed my last fuse and i snap, i literally scream

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID CRAZY BITCH SHUT UP SHUT UP! I'M SO SICK ENTIRE OF YOUR STUPID AND YOUR STUPID REMARKS. SO FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

And when i say scream, i mean scream, like scream until i went hoarse, and she has the guts to scream back

"NO, i never asked you to listen it's not aimed at you"

so me being already fuse shot goes nuts at this comment and says

"WELL GUESS WHOSE THE LUCKY ONE THAT HEARS IT ALL ME AND I'M SICK OF IT, I'M SICK OF YOU. I CAN'T WAIT TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE SO I DON'T HAVE TO SEE YOU EVER AGAIN"

then she had braver guts to say

"you too!"

but she didn't mean it, i did. i meant everything i said. and i still do, and it's been 4 days. and i still mean it. i'm done with this stupid grade three drama. so i ended it. i got the last say and shes still trying to win me back. personally if someone said that stuff to me, i would never approach her.

bulletproof

I still don’t get it. Just tell me so I can understand. Every time I see you, I feel like I’ve lost a friend, I hope you know it’s not easy for me. It’s not that simple. I took a chance with you. I was flying with colours; the best that I could portray myself. And you shot it. You told me that you needed me, and then you pushed my heart around. I hope you didn’t forget every single thing you said to me, because every time you look at me I can see the guilt in your eyes. Can you see the pain in mine? I’m so confused, and frustrated these days, and I keep forgetting what i want to say because you’re on my mind. I have no one to believe now; No one to believe in me. Did you expect me to believe in every single letter that came out of your mouth? But I do, I still do...There’s no one to save me anymore. I don’t get it; did you play me because you just needed to feel alive again? Did you make me smile so you can feel whole inside again? Why did you have to put down my dreams unintentionally until you’re the first thing, the last thing, and the only thing on my mind? It’s not suppose to be like this. We we’re supposed to be happy together. Look, you’ve got me crying again. I’m so foolish, tell me I’m foolish. We we’re suppose to care for each other, and believe in each other. I feel it. It’s not suppose to feel this way, It’s suppose to hurt like this. The hurt i feel, when i think that everytime you look at me, you don’t see me the way you did a few months ago. Remember? The one that you called a cute because she was so clumsy? The you told that you loved talking to, when now you hardly do. The hurt that i feel everytime i look at you, i feel that you’re staring right through me like I’m not there. Do you even know how much it hurts? The feeling that you gave up on me for her? You don’t understand, and maybe you do, so maybe you can’t grasp it. how much i incredibly love you. With my full and complete heart. No more, no less. No less, because i love you more than less, and no more because i think its the limit i can feel until you share it with me. Can’t you grasp that everytime i see you, my heart is beating uncontrollably. My butterflies, are intense and won’t stop. That even if you’re not mine, when I’m walking by your side, I feel like the happiest in the world, to know a person like you. it’s like a new day, and i’m myself again. I’m smiling, and i mean it. I’m laughing and i mean it. you make me smile. Like no tomorrow. This, this is what i’ve been waiting for, I’m sure of it; I’m sure. Just believe me like you did before. When everything that i ever said you believed. Remember? The who believes Pluto is a planet? The who is an absolute dreamer and is in love with flowers and stars, and clouds? The that is in love with you? Why can’t you just believe me again? What am i suppose to do when everything falls apart. When i have one of those breakdowns that you would comfort me. Everyone always tells me that it is going to be okay. And i hardly believe in them at first, it takes them a couple of tries. But with you I believe you just like that. I just don’t understand sweetie, what did I do wrong that made you change your heart? I’ll fix it. Just for you. Just for you, and only just for you. And I’m going to be here for you no matter what you say, because though you may not know it, I believe in you. Even after you hurt me, and our trust is broken. And i know now that I’m not bulletproof; and now you know too, because you’ve shot me.

staring truth, square in the face

everytime i go on the Internet, and sign onto my little blog that i use as a refuge to my well being, i just spend a good ten minutes staring at that quote i put at the beginning of my blog. and i just sit and stare. everything is true except for the part where it says " I say find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back." because i am in quite confidence that i am not loved. and i just sit and stare at the truth, and how much i am lying to myself. i try to pretend that i don't love him just for the sake to keep him as a friend. i care about him that much to the point where when its him and me, i don't quite care what happens to me.

i wonder if he knows, if he feels it. i wonder if he sits there, in his little tiny organized bedroom and feels that someone is constantly loving him. that someone would kindly step in front of a bullet, no a milllion bullets for him if they could survive that long. someone who cares more then anyone in the world. someone that never spoke one bad word behind his back.

they say that at the time your thinking about that person, that same equal thought is them thinking about you. i laughed at that saying. because i know its not true. he has much better things to do, then to waste his time.

yet, there are times when he looks at me, and we just stare at each other, and i just want to cry, because i feel it in his eyes that he misses me too. but that's just sometimes. i know he knows that i would've been perfect. everytime i look in his eyes, i hope he can see in my eyes, the eyes less prettier than his, that i miss him more then he can imagine. that when i'm having a terrible day that i just want to hold someone that i love, and never let go. i hope he sees striaght through to my heart, and see how much he breaks and heals my heart over and over again. i hope he sees in my eyes that i think he is perfect.

i wrote this for him when i was in the deepest furrows of my anger, and it still holds true.
i'll post it in the next blog

mother's

happy mother's day to all mother's in the world.
well not all mothers. maybe some. the some of those who actually stick it out with the kid, and help them grow into healthy sophisticated adults.
to those who come home everyday with a smile on their face and you know that you are loved without them even mentioning it. my mother always told me that the reason why she doesn't tell me she loves me is because she doesn't need to. because i will already know. but i must admit that it would be nice to here that i'm loved once in a while.
anyways back to mothers
mothers this is your day. you deserve it. you cook for us, you spend money on us, you do everything for us. they gave birth to us. the fruit of life people! mothers are literally superhuman.

so to all the mother's out there, maybe not some. but the majority of them
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO YOU.

a damn rancid thing called love.

i could just scream!
i tried over and over again to restrain myself for not falling in love with him again
i tell myself
`vicky, it`s no use, why would he ever go for a like you. give up
but the thing i learned about myself is that i don`t listen to myself very well. not at all at times.

i tried. and it`s the effort that counts. and i sound like such a hypocrite when i tell people
`you can`t choose who you love` while my own feelings i`m trying to smother.

i guess i really didnt stop loving him, thats why i fall so quickly each time.
because i know that i am really in love with him. even if he`ll never know. and i really don`t plan on telling him anytime soon.

my friend alex who is very good friends with him was saying to me `when you love someone, let it shine`
well alex i did before and it was perfect but it didnt last very long did it.
i`m sorry, that was a very bitter comment. i`m just very upset with myself for letting someone so incredibly perfect slip from my fingertips.
i had him all to myself. he cared for no one but me. me! a who is always second to best. the who people see as a friend and nothing more. the people always look past to the more prettier s beside me.
and yet, he stood there, he liked me! better yet he liked me first!!!
and just the thought brings a smile at the corner of my mouth.
what i`m trying to say Alex, is that he already knows i like him, but he doesn`t know i love him with my complete heart.
he doesn`t know that when he gazes at me with those ice ocean blue eyes, my heart stops.
he doesn`t know that i care about and for him more then his parents do, and thats a fact.
Alex, it`s so hard to love him. and everyone knows that. he has the worst moodswings in the world. one day he is the sweetest most loving person in the world, and the next day he completely ignores me. it`s so hard, but i love loving him. i just do. and i wish, and you don`t know how much i just long to let it shine. and i think i already am letting it shine. i`m shining brighter then the sun itself, and yet when he looks my way to see what the cause of the sudden brightening of the room is, i throw a cloud out and block his view from the happiness i feel from the other side.

it`s a damn rancid thing called love, that causes people to turn borderline insane.

a little rant about optimisim

i know i shouldn't really expect it. but i hoped. stupid hope. i hate how hope gets you all giddy and optimistic; they even get the most pessimistic of us. like me. i am not optimistic, i am realistic. i am anything but optimistic. and i know that makes me sound rotten, but its true. optimism is a happy high, that is FAKE.